Well, I left this morning for 'the road'. My car is so packed down I'm pretty sure I could pop a wheely if I needed to. I'm a little worried about it, but whatever. Nothing extraordinary happened, but give me a day or two- I'm pretty sure something crazy is gonna happen. Just listening to lots of loud music and going through my new Slovak flash cards.

I arrived in Tallahassee at 6 and Lindsay and I went out for Ruby Tuesday burgers that were so good! Then we went to splurge on cinnamon buns and rented a disc of 30 Rock. Yep! Much fun!

Well, pray for my safety... for cereal... I'll try to check in in a few days if I can.

This is going to be a long night.

My roommate moved out today, which means she took every single thing of hers with her...including the bed I was sleeping on, the fan that puts me to sleep, the shower curtain, the toilet paper, and other semi-crucial things. (I did buy TP, just so you know). Oh, and since I'm sleeping on the floor tonight in an empty room, my head pressed up against the floor as I sleep, I can clearly hear the horrible guitar playing of the people underneath me. Did I mention I'm an extraordinarily light sleeper?

Well, the two things I wanted to talk about tonight aren't really that profound or anything- just something I've been thinking about. There are two comments that people keep saying to me that I honestly don't know how to reply to.

1) "If it's God's will that you'll go to Slovakia, then I really hope you get your support." I feel like people are afraid to just say "I hope you get your support" because if it's not God's will then they'll be in trouble with the Big Guy. I don't know how to respond to the 'God's will' either--mainly because a) who really knows God's will till the actions have been seen, and b) I don't have a doubt in my mind that this isn't His will. The only thing in my life I can say that about.

If you really knew the story over the past 9 months, what God's been doing in me, how He's changed me, the surety He's put in my heart about this.. you would understand why it's hard for me to respond to that possibility. Sure, it really might not be God's will- for me to say beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is would be silly, I'm just little ol' Ande and I dunno God's thoughts.

2) "Aren't you excited to leave?!" Well... I guess I am a little excited to follow God's call, but am I excited to leave my very best friends for a very long time? Am I excited to leave a decent job and nice apartment and familiarity? To pack all my crap up in my car and sleep on the floor of an empty room, eating tuna out of a can and coke from the only glass I have left (which is a wine glass) and take a shower without a curtain? Am I excited to be broke as a joke, sending email after email, phone call after phone call trying to raise support from people who aren't interested?

Well... no. I'm not.

Those things aren't fun. I'm obviously gonna do it... and I really do believe God's behind me on this.. but how do I answer the question of whether I'm excited about it??

That's all I had to say about that. I don't know the answers to those questions. My friend Alyssa and I say "I don't EVEN know" when we're up against something that we have no idea how to answer--or the answer is too overwhelming to pick apart. This is one of those things where I just sit back with a glazed look and say, "I don't even know...". I'm pretty sure it'll eventually go away, especially when I get back to NC- but there's gonna be about 2 weeks or so coming up where I'm gonna say that just about every day. The surreal life is upon me!

Random thought: On the way home I was listening to Modest Mouse and there's this song where he goes, "I said what I said, man, you know what I mean" in the perfect tone and the perfect part of the song. I like it. Well, I'm gonna watch some Family Guy and go to sleep. I gotta speak in front of my church tomorrow :( I hate public speaking.. wish me luck! Oh.. and my friggin' bone spur on my foot hurts like a mother - just had to get that out. Peace n' chicken grease.

Wrote this a while back... Thank God for grace and sanctification!

The pain ive felt for oh so long
the grip upon the Son feels gone-
ive felt a distance that leaves me cold
the promises ive seen have now been sold-
my mind lingers in a world so passive
unconcerned and remaining so evasive-
His house doesnt seem so holy anymore
just an uncomfortable troubling bore-
my once apparent thirst in me
never intrudes or knocks, it flees-
i pray for help and a loving friend
yet i do not feel your hand to mend-
dont move away from me, please hear
your ice cold heart is all that i fear-
i want to be everything You want
yet my thirst is choked by satans taunt-
what i admit i will never be proud
and these things i hate, i hate to be loud
but youre all thats keeping me alive
so i want to feel your breath to strive-
take my struggles and set them free
so i can take your love and live for Thee-
im broken helpless for you Lord
rescue me from my sinful world.

The story I'm about to tell has probably been told by hundreds of pastors, youth pastors and motivational speakers all over the world. If you've heard it before, I apologize, but I do have a point to all of it.

In 1859, The Great Charles Blondin wanted to prove to the world that he could walk across Niagara Falls (3 1/2 football fields) on a tightrope. He succeeded multiple times, doing something pretty theatrical every time he crossed. One day as he was going to try it again he decided to push a wheelbarrow across the rope. He asked the crowd if they thought he could do it. They cheered, "YES, you can do it!" So there he was, a wheelbarrow in hand about to take his first step out on the rope, while the huge crowed cheered and roared in the background. He screamed, "DO YOU THINK I CAN DO IT?!" The crowed cheered even louder! He interrupted the cheering and yelled, "IF YOU REALLY THINK I CAN DO IT, IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN ME, COME SIT IN THE WHEELBARROW!" The crowd went silent. No one got in the wheelbarrow. (Eventually his manager did it successfully though...)

I've heard this story before and even though it was cool, I never really thought twice about it. Last night the speaker at the concert told it but in a Gospel message, a little different than how it affected me. Immediately when I heard the analogy, the imagery really hit home. I was part of that crowd on the sidelines who saw somebody do something impossible over and over again. I was saying, "Yeah God, awesome, you did another miracle, sweet, oh look you did something else amazing, cool, hey you completely healed someone of a terminal disease, rad." Why have I not believed that He could really do something great with my own heart? Up until about 6 months ago, I was losing hope that God would ever be alive in me. I was waiting for the day that I could really really be genuine about my faith. Not to say I necessarily doubted my salvation, but I waited for God to be really relevant and alive in my life.

Six months ago, God asked me to step in the wheelbarrow. He said, "Do you believe me or not? Do you really think I can do this?" My supposed trust turned into doubt. My doubt turned into faith. My faith turned into transformation. Just like the man on the tightrope, he's asked me to do something that may not seem logical whatsoever to the outside.

Why would anyone give up a comfortable life with a good job and fantastic friends to sell most of what they have, move back home with their parents, live on meager wages, and trusting that God will just simply provide?! Why would I do this? Because I am trusting that whatever happens, whatever God has called me to do, is what He wants and it what I'm supposed to do. Hebrews 3:7 - "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts..."

Guys, I'm not saying any of this to sound holier-than-thou, trust me. This kind of thing doesn't just happen to me, and if you've known me for any length of time, you know that I've never really felt called by God to do anything before. It was always what I wanted to do. Well what I've wanted to do is just sit on the sidelines and cheer for a God I never really trusted would do something that great in my own life. And what I've been called to do now is sit tight in a wheelbarrow while God walks over the tightrope over a waterfall.

With all this said I would be foolish to think that the next few months and after I get to Slovakia will be a piece of cake. Trust me, this is just the beginning of my journey of trials- it's just the beginning of finding my identity through God in what He's called me to do.

The reason I know this is that just because God calls you to do something doesn't mean it's going to be an easy life. We have an undeniable hope with Christ but we are called to suffer as well. The enemy is at work and his army is so strong. Here are two examples in my life right now, and I covet your prayers about what struggles I'm dealing with.

Struggle #1: I wanted a comfortable life. I never wanted to be a career missionary. I wanted to be nice and wealthy and live in a sweet house with expensive furniture and be successful. I never really cared much about money and never thought I would financially succeed until a few years ago when I actually started making some. I got caught up in consumerism and all the things and gadgets I wanted. Even though God is changing my heart and in a way bringing me back to my roots of thought, I still struggle with this. I know I still struggle because all I have to do is visit a placed called The Interior Decor Center. I went there about a year ago when I was at the peak of my desire to have a lot of nice things and be wealthy. I went back again yesterday and I tell you, this place makes me want to be rich- it has the most fabulous furniture and art around and I absolutely love just staring and all the things I would want in my own home.

The problem is, I feel like there's no way I can have nice things or a nice house if I'm a missionary. I feel like I have to choose between living in the gutter or living in a mansion. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it just seems like I'm at the crossroads of two completely different kinds of life right now. One way is missions, one way is comfort. One way is being poor, one way is being rich. I have the choice to decide which way I go. Some days I want to stick to my heart and do missions, while other days I want to stick to my flesh and "be successful" in my career. I struggle with this and the enemy will try to drag me away from the life God may have called me to live by luring me with nice things.

Struggle #2: This one is a bit more challenging. I really am gonna need your help here, to be honest. Even though I've never felt more called to do something before, and even though I am 100% sure this is what God wants me to do, the enemy is at hand. He strikes those hardest who are trying to advance the kingdom of our Father. During my worst times the enemy whispers (has whispered, is whispering, will continue to whisper) "You don't have to do this... just quit now, you're never going to get all that money... no one's forcing you to go... just stop... this isn't what God wants, you must have heard wrong!"

For any of you reading this that are my friends, I have a favor to ask you. I am human, and I am weak. I am sensitive and vulnerable, I can't deny this. Satan is strong and determined. Certain influences back home in NC aren't good. At times, I'm going to feel like I shouldn't be doing this, that I should just stop trying. People are going to try and tell me that it's not God's will for me to go, and I'm going to be discouraged by that. I'm going to feel stuck, I'm going to feel like all that I'm doing is futile. I am going to be terribly lonely.

My favor to ask is that you please please pray for me. God is on my side and that is what I need... but I would be lying if I said I can do this alone. I'm going to need encouragement. I need to know you're praying for God's work and the advancement of His kingdom. Though I'm not near you, I don't want to feel like I'm doing this all alone. Please please pray.... and let me know how I can pray for YOU. I want it to be mutual encouragement!

"See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first." Hebrews 3:12-14 If I remember correctly, this was my father's favorite verse. It is so perfect.

I'm about to write about a really stupid subject right now. I know it's stupid because I kinda hate the subject, and I know 99% of you reading this also hate the subject. Whatever.

So as you may know, about a 1 1/2 years ago I found a little kitten outside. He was soft and crying, I was soft (my heart, that is) and lonely. So I took it home. Right off the bat that stupid cat made me so mad. He'd chew up my electronics cords, get in the trash, let his flea burrow in my ear one night (horrible event), wouldn't let me go to the bathroom or shower without him there, wouldn't let me shut the door when I sleep or sit outside and meeeooooow, or wake me up in the middle of the night chewing on my shoelaces or playing with his stupid ball, and the list goes on of how he annoyed the tar out of me for a full year and a half.

Ever since I knew I was moving, about 6 months ago or so, I started looking for a home for Bauer, but seriously could not even give him away. I even tried taking his sorry but to the SPCA to let someone adopt him. Since he was so scared, they said they'd kill him unless he calmed down. Since I'm a softie and couldn't let them do that, or throw him out on the street and get eaten by a Chinese restaurant, I kept him and put up with him. My roommate called me one morning and said "My grandmother would really like a cat, so I'm taking him over to her house today in Jacksonville for a trial period".. I'm like, ohhh kay sweet but didn't get my hopes up.
So I got home yesterday and the day before and was really weirded out. You see, every single day Bauer is there at the door waiting for me. I say hi, walk in my room and put my stuff down while he follows me there and waits for me to acknowledge him. Well... he wasn't there! He wasn't anywhere! He was gone! Part of me was like SWEET RELEASE I'M FREEEEE!! Then the other part was like... Dang, I'm kinda lonely now.

I know that sounds ridiculous because I hate cats and Bauer made my blood pressure rise more than anything else in my entire life... but I kinda miss that little jerk. He'd sit on the couch above my head, no matter where I sat. He'd crawl up on my bed at night and just collapse and go to sleep. Lately he's been super sweet too, all lovey and stuff. And darnit, he was just so soft and always gave me something soft to pet.

So the first night Bauer was freaking out at the grandmother's house...but the 2nd day and night he did great and even started being all sweet on the grandmother. He even got in her bed and slept there too. The ridiculous thing is that when I heard that I was jealous! hahahhaha what a moron.

This is probably the worst analogy I've ever used, but I feel like a mother who's lived with a rebellious kid for years... and the kid went away to college and loved it. So the mother loves the freedom and is happy to have that stress out of her life but kinda misses him being around.

So yeah. I know that's stupid to write about cause it's just a dumb cat...but I was kinda attached to it and our love/hate relationship was kinda nice sometimes. ::sigh:: So I guess this is another reality check that I'm leaving soon and I'm just gonna miss everyone. Hmmm I'll save that for another entry though.

Okay.

I think it's about time I force myself out of whatever funk I'm still in. I didn't/don't want to write because I feel obligated to. But sometimes if you force yourself to do something you don't feel like doing, you end feeling glad you did it. Like taking a shower first thing in the morning, or exercising, or ordering the grilled chicken and vegetables instead of the fried chicken and fries like you think you want.

Ahh. There is is, now I'm feeling it.

I feel like I should catch up on the past 3 weeks of my laziness and what's been going on in my inner sanctum of my soul. But I don't want to. I'll probably cry all over the keyboard if I do, and this is my good keyboard. (?)

Today I want to talk about music. Hudba=Music in Slovak. Dear people, what would I do without music? I'm talking about audio music, such as listening to other people play it, and also "tangible" music by playing an instrument. I hate to use this word, but I swear, sometimes there is just something magical about it I can't explain. Sometimes at my very worst, when I've had the worst day I can imagine, or someone said something awful to me - all I have to do is hear the right song and I am all better. Sometimes the timing and mood and song is so perfect I just have to laugh out loud, and then interrupt that laughter with loud obnoxious singing (along with an air microphone or other air instrument) or I just sit and obnoxiously cry too--whatever feels better at the time.

Sometimes it feels like I inhale the music and let it resonate like air. I know that sounds weird, but I'm telling you - when the perfect musical moment hits there is no other phrase I can use. I inhale it like a drug and it soothes me! Really, it does! I genuinely thank God for music! When I am furious, when I'm excited, when I'm devastated, music moves me around like an ebb and flow and changes my mood for the better. That all might sound really weird and postmodern or something, but I don't care. I'm not some psycho who goes into a hippy trance in a restaurant if I hear a good Dave Matthews song, so don't worry.

And don't get me wrong, music can do the opposite thing to me. It can irritate the crap out of me if the wrong tune hits me at the wrong time. Especially certain kinds of Christian music out there. Sorry to you guys who love 100% of contempo Christian music, but 95% of it sucks big time...and if I'm in a ticked off mood or freaking out in traffic, that music does NOT help me at all.

Music didn't appeal to me overnight. But as far back as I can remember it was a pretty integral part of my life. Well, I may not have realized it at the time, but in a way my musical tastes were being shaped because it was all around me. I spent a few years playing the piano and pretty much hated every minute of it...though now I adore it. It was part of my friend's and family's lives too - I saw how they reacted to music and it affected me. I remember sitting in the living room when I was in the 6th or 7th grade with my brother after school. He'd say to me in a very demanding tone, "ANDE, what band is that?" as if he expected me to answer immediately like a student would during a pop quiz. Of course I didn't know Pearl Jam in 6th grade and he'd reply quickly, "IT'S PEARL JAM, DUH!". I had a secret sense of satisfaction over the years as I started to know more bands than he did.

I had a few friends in high school who lived and breathed certain bands. As a matter of fact, I still listen to those bands 'religiously' still today. I used to have a good friend that played the bass guitar. I spent much of my time with her, and I think she was influential in pressuring me into getting a guitar when I was 14. I hated the guitar. No, I didn't hate it, but I hated that I didn't know how to do it. I would sit in front of the family room TV with an instructional video and just about cry every time I'd sit down and learn it.

I decided that learning that way was stupid. I didn't care about some old folk song like Old Tar River or something. I wanted to learn my bands, my music, my songs. So I learned about this thing called tablature, and learned that there were places on the internet that had them for free. Oh, heavenly bliss! It was then I learned one chord at a time, one song at a time.

Over the years my interest became evident in other instruments. When I lived at home I always came back to the piano to try and play hymns. I've bought attempted to play irish whistles, recorder, djembe, jew harp, didgeridoo, harmonica, violin, mandolin, banjo, bass guitar, dulcimer, and obviously the guitar. I'm not a pro at any of these, but thoroughly enjoyed trying them out. I thought about getting into ethnomusicology (world music) but decided against it. I think that learning instruments gave me a real appreciation for all kinds of music, which is why I like just about every kind of music out there- well, I might not like it, but I at least appreciate it, ya know?

Can you believe I can actually tolerate rap and r&b? Gosh, I always made fun of it...that is, till I realized the pleasure in "dancing" to it. Anyway, After 10 years of playing instruments, it is still one of my favorite things to do in the world- especially trying to figure out songs and play along, along with jamming with folks too and of course, listening to it.

Can anyone relate?

Hello! I wanted to spread the word that I've "published" a photo book that is available for sale here: http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/163423 All profit will go directly to my support as I raise funds to go back to Slovakia for a year.

If there's one thing I love about America....

...it's that we have a substantial amount of freedom. My first instinct is to apologize for posting another news report, but there's no need for apology- it's important. Oh and mom, don't read this- you'll get all worried and stuff...

So from what I've gathered, some Chinese government officials drove up with trucks full of waste to a village. They were hoping to dump the waste near some people's homes, which is outrageous in and of itself. Well the villagers got in a scuffle with the officials, trying to persuade them to not do it.

In the meantime a Chinese guy named Wei (a 41 year old executive, mind you) took out his cell phone to record the video of the scuffle. Here's the crazy part: FIFTY GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS (municipal inspectors) turned on him and beat him for 5 minutes until he died.

Obviously this kind of thing doesn't happen in China every day, but seriously, this scares the scat out of me. I'm the kind of person who would take a picture or record video of just about anything I see, even if it would get me in trouble, and I'm just thinking to myself- wow, what if that happens to me one day? I dunno, maybe people would be more apprehensive to kill a foreigner for doing something like that because they know they'd get a beat-down for it. But anyway, living in America where people are held accountable to the Enth degree, to see something like this, and to see the slaughter happening in Kenya in this day in age is just shocking.

This is the 21st century! A reporter in Kenya said how surreal it was as he was calling someone while getting fantastic reception on his cell phone, while looking at someone get hacked with a machete. Things like this make me realize that there will never be world peace. There may be peace within the nations, enough peace to where we're not going to nuke each other, but there will never be peace among the peoples. We are hardened, rebellious souls ruled by darkness that have a spirit of hatred in us and that hinders peace no matter how many beauty queens wish for it.

Read for yourself if you want.. http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/01/11/china.blogger/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Crisis in Kenya | Death Penalty

Still not back in the swing of things. I've finally started returning to Starbucks, which is like someone who is very ill returning to eating food or drinking water :) So I'm getting there...

Every morning just about, I read up on the news. I've been keeping track of the unrest over in Kenya. If you're totally unaware of what's going on, you should really look it up. I prefer CNN, mainly because they have some videos that show you what's up. From what I understand, the Kenyans elected President Mwai Kibaki in the December 27th presidential election. This guy named Raila Odinga came in 2nd place. Everyone, especially those on the Odinga side think that the election was rigged- in fact even the U.S. people over there think it was rigged. So NOW, Odinga's tribe is running around slaughtering everyone who voted for Kibaki, hoping to get Kibaki to have a recount of the votes- but he's refusing.

These people are walking around with their weapon of choice, machetes, literally hacking people to death- they're killing their neighbors, their friends, people they've known all their lives. They're burning down villages and raping the women. They've already killed over 1,000 people in a week (though the government only claims 500). Also, from what I understand, this is a huge shock for Kenyans because they apparently have a very tight-knit community type of country with little violence. This is the most unrest they've had since the 60's.

Anyway, this is really interesting and I would recommend checking it out for your own good. Here's a video if you'd like http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/world/2008/01/07/verjee.kenya.slum.anger.cnn




Something else I saw on the news after lunch really infuriated me. In my mind I thought, "THIS is why the death penalty exists", but I said that out of emotion. A man with 4 kids, 2 boys, 2 girls, all ranging from 4 months to 3 years, tossed his kids off of a bridge to die. I look at his face and I'm so mad! http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2008/01/man-tells-cops.html

That got me thinking about the death penalty. I've always been taught it's a good thing to have. I don't necessarily disagree with that, but I do think there has to be reason beyond a shadow of a doubt that the person committed a malicious crime in order for it to be justified. Some people think if you kill anyone, period, you should be killed, period.

What do you think?

So.. um.. I haven't written in a few weeks. I was writing almost daily and had to kind of quit cold turkey because I went home for the holidays. It ended up to be almost 2 weeks off of work. There wasn't a good internet connection at home and it was so busy. I got home almost a week ago from everything, but I am still really out of it. I've been feeling really discombobulated and scattered.

So that's why I haven't written.

Wait, does anyone even read this thing anyway? You probably didn't even notice! Ha! Naah, it's cool. Whatev.