So maybe this is a totally normal thing to go through once returning to your home country after being in missions.... but I feel a drastic difference between my relationship with God while living in the States. It makes sense, really. In Slovakia I was surrounded by a close Christian community and we discussed our faith very often. I was also alienated from most people in Trnava because we didn't speak the same language, which made my internal dialogue with God a lot more active. There was a certain amount of dependence on God there. Just walking around knowing that I needed to rely on God to finally provide the support I needed to live was also a factor.
I wonder if it's quite a few different factors happening at the same time. I'm not around a strict Christian community, I'm immediately culturally accepted back into my culture because, well, I'm an American. It's no surprise that most Americans feel like they're taking care of themselves. We go to work, make OUR money and provide for US. That's how I feel-- I need to take care of MYself till I get on MY feet.
::sigh::
So lately I've had thoughts going through my head about whether the God of my life in America is the same God in my life in Slovakia. It's been a challenge.
I'm praying for God to draw close to me and show me His goodness.
One fascinating and sometimes frustrating aspect of moving to a new city is finding a new church. Two weeks ago I went to a a church called Christ Central Church. I had heard about from someone, and stuck out to me because it actually takes place in a community theatre in a very unique, artsy part of town. Here is their surprisingly unimpressive website: http://www.christcentralchurch.com/
One of my favorite characteristics of this church is that it actually used to be a XXX theatre and the upstairs used to be a brothel. In fact, the church offices are currently in the previous brothel, and the numbers are still bolted to the door that indicated which room the prostitute was in. The pastor mentioned that it's a constant reminder of our fallen nature. I love that. 
So I found a seat and we started worship. There was an older guitarist, a drummer and bassist. I'm usually not a huge fan of that many instruments in worship like this, but they played it very tastefully and it was actually pretty nice. There were 5 singers- 3 white girls, a girl that looked just like Alicia Keys, and a black male singer that looked a lot like LL Cool J. He had a GREAT gospel voice. 
The pastor, who is a young black man that looks like Theo from the Bill Cosby Show with dreadlocks came out to preach. In general I really liked him, but I kinda thought he made too many references to rap music and I kinda questioned his sincerity during prayer--though, honestly, I don't really know him well enough to make that assumption. 
They gave us a choice between wine and juice for communion, which I thought was very thoughtful. It's also a PCA reformed church which is awesome.
This past Sunday I went to Renovatus church. I had heard really good things about it so I thought I'd check it out. They're actually located inside a mall on a dodgey part of town, but I didn't have a problem with that. http://www.renovatuscommunity.com
The church is affiliated with Church of God which has some doctrines I don't think I agree with. It was borderline Charasmastic/Pentecostal and at times I was a bit uncomfortable. The preacher also sounded like he had about a dozen energy drinks before he went on stage too. It was really tough for me to pay attention because of that. 
What I liked about the church were things that don't matter though- I loved the logo, the lead singer of the band, the all around laid back atmosphere. I also liked their ideas on reaching out to the homeless community.
Whether or not I'd want to go back to this church is in question, but I didn't get a strong feeling that I should. Who knows, we'll see.
So a little over a week ago I wrote something on my computer. I haven't posted it because it could potentially offend some people. But then I thought, geez, this is my blog and people don't have to read it if they don't want to! I definitely wrote this under some influence of being kinda pissed off and I may have reworded things a little sweeter if I were to re-write it....but whatever.
I am accountable to my Father in Heaven, not you. So back off.
This is what I've been thinking a lot lately. Now people, I understand this idea of holding each other accountable. I'm not talking about sin... ok? So relax. I need you to hold me accountable with sin, that's why we're here for each other. I'm talking about getting on one another's backs for unimportant crap. The stuff that doesn't harm myself--the stuff that doesn't offend God or others. I'm talking about MY personal decisions about MY life that don't really affect you.
If you can't understand why I moved to Florida 5 years ago, I'm sorry but I can't help you. If you can't understand why I raised support to go to Slovakia, I'm sorry but I've explained myself as much as I can. If you can't understand why I'm moving to Charlotte, I'm sorry but it's my decision and it shouldn't offend you. I have found that the people questioning me to no end are the same people who never ask me personal questions... the people who don't really care about how I'm doing... the people who never call, never e-mail, never contact me. You are the people who don't know what's going on because you don't bother to ask before you judge me. Once you realize my reasoning, you'll find that many of my decisions actually make a little bit of sense. Sure, I make mistakes like we all do. I'm not yelling at you people who don't contact me a lot- please understand. I'm saying that these are strangely enough the people who judge me so much more than people I DO talk to. In fact, if you're reading this then there's a VERY good chance you're not one of these people since those particular people don't care about reading my stupid blog.
The people I'm referring to assume that the decisions I make are random. They think I stand back, close my eyes, shake the 8 ball and do whatever it tells me to. Or they think I'm just running from something therefore I need to keep moving so I don't deal with my own problems. I'm not making this up- people have said this before. Again, these are the people who don't really know me.
"Resolved, that I will live so as I shall wish I had done when I come to die." -Jonathan Edwards. For the record, I have personally tried to live my life according to how I will feel on my deathbed. Did I love people the best I could have? Did I seize opportunities and adventures? Did I explore and was I curious enough? Did I do all I could to glorify God? If the answers to those questions aren't great now, I doubt they'll be any better when I die.
So for me, personally, that means taking opportunities when I have them, because now is the time for me to do it while not having a family and house and all that. In 2004 it meant seizing an opportunity with a friend to travel around the U.S. in a van for a month. Last year it meant jumping on a bus to take me from Slovakia to Croatia by myself so I could spend some much needed time with my sister. It means moving to Charlotte with no job and living with people I've never really met because if I don't take this opportunity now I may never have it again and I want to be in Charlotte for years... you hear that world? Years! Yes, this means that I'm attempting to make decisions for the long run. This has always been the plan if you've ever taken the time to ask. I'm not saying you need to agree with every move I make. But I am asking you to please consider your criticism of me before you give it. And also ask yourself if I'm criticizing YOU...
Now while I'm on the subject, let me just say that I did not go to Slovakia because I felt like I needed to necessarily "Seize the day", ok? This was not selfish ambition. This was not my need to travel. I sacrificed a lot including a great job, my car, living at home for almost a year, possibly damaging some friendships, having to start completely over again. This was not a vacation. Yes, the Lord blessed me like crazy over there and I had the time of my life at certain times-- but I went because I knew the Lord was calling me there. That's all I need to say about that.
I made a comment on Facebook a few weeks ago and a few people's responses have been bothering me since then. Maybe that's what has sparked me saying all this stuff to you right now. I said, "I think that some people look at those who travel around often and think 'What are they running from?' but I look at the people asking the question and wonder 'What are they hiding from'?. This was not a random statement. In fact, it was in response to a few people I know who have criticized me for my travels and simply want me to move back home. They get the sense that I'm running from something and it's simply not the case. I get the sense that they're hiding from something because these people I'm referring to have never been, nor ever want to leave the country or southeast part of the United States. I'm not criticizing them for not traveling, mind you. I'm criticizing the way they look down on me for not being content by staying in a tiny town for the rest of my life.
Another thing I found interesting last week... Someone asked me, "So are you done traveling?". ::sigh:: I'm not trying to be stubborn here, folks. But listen, I hope I never stop traveling. I hope I never stop exploring, trying new things, seeing new places. I'm sure when I'm 80 I may be thinking different things, but I'm saying that I don't want to be afraid to explore, or be bored by the idea. God made this beautiful earth and I think we don't do His creation justice by sitting on our couch in our little house in our little town for the rest of our lives. That's my personal opinion, and if you're currently doing that, then by all means have at it- you don't see me criticizing you... but please, PLEASE stop criticizing me for living my life!
Oh and ONE more thing, if you don't mind. Just for the record... I've had a few people insinuate that I enjoy being single and lonely. Are you kidding me? Seriously? If you knew me at all you would soon find out that I desire to have a family. I want a husband and a cute little suburban house and a dog and a wedding and a baby shower and babies. I want that life, but it doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and wait for that to happen while I just get older and older. Sure, some of my experiences have maybe made it hard for guys to want to pursue me because I've been out of the country or moving or something. That's the risk I've chosen to take.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
What attracts you to friends? Not boyfriends or girlfriends, I mean good ol' fashioned friends. What is it about them that makes you like them? What makes you click? What keeps you from saying Screw You and walking away to never talk to them again?
I believe I have a pretty simple answer to that question. Now sure, there are many factors that help you make that decision. They may dress like you, or listen to the same kind of music or maybe you just work with them or attend the same school. There are factors that you're not even aware of. For example, if I'm a 26 year old single American female, I will probably tend to be friends with someone of a similar status. I would not naturally be good friends with a 50 year old Chinese man or a 10 year old.
But it's more than just demographics that go into friendships. I think for me the greatest factor in friendships is respect. Think about it, are you good friends with people you don't respect? I doubt it. If you are friends with someone you really don't respect, there's something wrong with that relationship. I am not friends with certain people because I don't respect them. I don't like the decisions they've made or how they spend their lives. You are who you hang around with, so if you hang around losers all day, will that not greatly affect your character? I think so.
I came to that conclusion after a long 12 hour drive a few days ago. I was listening to a friend of mine playing the piano that was recorded on a CD. I found myself thinking, Geez I totally don't deserve a friend that talented! I have felt that same feeling towards friends who have other gifts and talents, like being totally fluent in 2 or more languages. I've felt that about friends who are happier than I am, friends who are well rounded and normal, or friends that choose purity over lack of self control.
And I don't believe I love them only because of their talents but I respect those who have great qualities. Part of having a skill is determination, discipline, and intelligence! I respect that, and because I respect them, I look up to them. I believe a healthy relationship or friendship kinda requires both of you to think, "Gosh, I kinda don't deserve his/her friendship". At least, I think the closest friendships should have that element. Speaking of which, I also think you NEED to think that way about your potential spouse. If I can't "look up" to my boyfriend, if I can't respect him, then forget marriage! I'll be living in resentment towards him and vice versa.
Anyway that's all I wanted to say about that.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, hearing, and reading lately about eating better. I'm pretty happy that I love vegetables, by the way! That sounds random, but I'm serious. I'm related to some people (AHEM, my sister, AHEM) who hates veggies and fruits. I've decided to start eating healthier on a regular basis. Stress on the part: REGULAR BASIS. I'm all about healthy weird food, trust me. But I'm also all about Taco Hell and fatty foods. I've been made aware lately of quite a few people who have lost a crap load of weight by eating better and working out. I hope to jump on that wagon. Maybe it'll help by saying it publicly like this--even though maybe 2 people read this thing! Ha. OH maybe, maybe, I can have some kind of accountability on this thing, like tell you how much I'm losing. Hmm. Maybe. 
Speaking of eating better, a lot of people say that eating healthier is too expensive. Well, I hear you, I was one of those people. However, my goal is to debunk this myth this year. I want to discover and explain how eating healthy can be very cost efficient. In fact, maybe I'd like to work on figuring out how to eat healthier on X number of dollars per week per person. So if you ever have any ideas about this or recipes, pass em' along! By the way, if you would like some very entertaining, effective, eye-opening, and totally offensive reading material, (and I do mean offensive), check out the books Skinny Bitch or Skinny Bastard (if you're a guy).
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