In my high school English class during my senior year, we were allowed to write a paper about anything we wanted, as long as we compared two things. My teacher at the time was a Christian so I had a little bit of extra courage to write about religion knowing he'd like it...so I decided to write this research paper (10+ pages) on Christianity Vs. Buddhism. One of my best friends at the time was a buddhist/atheist, and her mother was a buddhist (she was Japanese too) so I had a great resource. I spent hours researching, interviewing, writing and editing what I thought was a literary work of art. I turned it in, got a decent grade and Mr. Meacham, my teacher, handed it back to me.

When I got home that day, I went outside, walked out to the woods in my back yard with a lighter in my hand, set it on fire, and watched it burn.

In a few days I'm going to talk about why being a Christian can be hard. I've already written the outline of this, but I realized this reason in particular needed more attention from me to communicate for my own well being.

For kids like me who have grown up in a small southern town, in a Christian home, around Christian friends, and a Christian church, it isn't usual to be fully versed in world religions when you're young. In fact, it wasn't till 7th grade till I even remember being introduced to any religion except my own. Once high school hit, I started to become very interested in other religions, mainly because I acquired friends that believed something other than Christianity. That I can remember, I had buddhist, wiccan, atheist, and Jewish friends.

I wanted to understand these religions, compare mine with theirs, talk about it, debate about it, give them a good reason to doubt what they believed. I would research these schools of thought and even write papers on my own time about them. In that process though, something happened to me. I didn't have enough confidence in my own faith/religion to have the discernment to see what was wrong and what was right. I had enough head knowledge to get started, but my mental confidence- the undeniable HEART confidence we all strive for was not in me. I think I just wanted to win an argument and it came down to pride. Eventually I started to see a lot of universal truths in other religions. I started to question my own faith/religion and whether it made sense and if I really did believe it.

Suddenly I became very aware of my cultural and spiritual surroundings and became kind of uncomfortable around the things I never thought twice about. During a sermon or bible study I would pretend that I was an atheist in my head and see how I'd react if I just walked into the surrounding.

I would think, "What would a buddhist think about this bible study?" and so on. "Do they have their own studies?"

While singing hymns I would think, "If wiccans had a church and sang songs, what would their songs sound like? I'll bet they think what we're singing is ridiculous and we're being forced into believing it."

"Do I really believe this or am I a product of my culture and familial expectations?"

"Is this really true or have I been fed a story all my life and I just blindly believe it?"

"We Christians know we're 100% right. But so does everyone else who belong to their own religion. They think they're 100% right too. So which is it?"

"Do people from other religions consider us foolish?"

"What if this is all made up by people? What if none of this is true? What if we're doing all this for no reason?"

There are so many more questions I had at the time, but even as I write this now I feel uncomfortable. This is not a struggle I completely left behind in high school. To be completely honest, I still have thoughts like this that intrude in my head. I am convinced that Satan uses these thoughts to make me stumble. The Enemy uses these thoughts of doubt to do this: to consolidate the power and majesty of God into a "World Religion" that has a "Series of Beliefs and Morals". To make it 'another option' to believe in. So by making it 'another option' it makes me think that I could choose to leave and believe in something else. This is a VERY slippery slope.

Some people can dance on this slope and do years of research in other religions, be attacked by people of different beliefs, be made fun of and scoffed at, and not be swayed at the least. Me? Even talking about this is hard for me. I don't like it.

The problem with not liking to talk about this is because it makes you look like you're closed minded and living with blinders over your eyes. I don't want to be so closed minded that I can't even talk to people about what they believe. That's not good at all. At the same time, would I rather appear closed minded or stumble? That's when I have to step back and do what's best for me.

The reason I am bringing this up is because I feel like if I admit something like this and bring it to the surface, it won't rot in my head and cause me to deal with it alone. When darkness is brought to the light, well, it's not so dark anymore.

Even though this is a struggle for me, I stand firm in knowing that this could ever force me to fall from my life as a Christian. I have grown enough to know that I don't have to question whether God exists- I know He does, period. No buddhist or atheist could make me fall that far--but it doesn't mean I don't need to be careful.

I think it's just important to learn the scriptures more and more, to be ready to defend it. Not only that, it's not just about head knowledge, but really growing in my faith with Jesus- with my personal relationship. I want to become so confident in my faith that I can never be swayed, and the Enemy can't use stupid thoughts about other "belief systems" to make me stumble.

So how about you? Is this something you struggle with, or does it not even phase you?