Breaking this up into two parts cause it's long and a little disconnected.

Isn't it funny how a lot of things you hated at first, you now love? Or is that just me? A few examples: I would never touch onions and peppers when I was young- I absolutely hated them. One day my mom made dinner with them, and overnight I loved them. I hated Led Zeppelin when I first heard them, and now they're one of my favorite bands. In high school I was really attracted to artsy, musical, sensitive guys. Now, my "tastes" have changed and I'm looking for something else in a mate. I hate using the word mate...probably cause it's a verb too.

I've taken a 360 degree turn over the past 6 months about something pretty big. I've never wanted to do long term or career mission...EVER. In fact, before Slovakia (and even on my way back on the plane) I was dead set on focusing on my career and really trying to succeed. I don't make a lot of money at my job, but enough to be comfortable and double of what I made over a year ago. I enjoy not stressing about whether I should get a side order of fries at a nice restaurant, or get a meal like a normal person. I have stressed about money for 23 years! I mean, I still do a little, but not nearly as much...and I like that.

But in the midst of getting so caught up with what I thought I wanted in life, I lost track of something kind of important. I lost track of what I should be DOING with my life. Working in a professional environment with dressy clothes and nice paychecks, I grew so fond of feeling like I really could succeed and be a part of 'the high life'...not like I live it now by any means, but I wanted to, honestly. Before I took this job, I used to say "All I want is a normal desk job and a cubicle". It made sense at the time because I shared a tiny office with 8 people with no privacy. I've realized though, that this is nice for a little while, but I dread the idea of working in a grey box for the rest of my life. The quality of my life in every other way except earning pay and learning my career has gone down dramatically. I've really stepped away from some things that I am passionate about to sacrifice them for my job.

For so long I was sort of a dreamer, a romantic. I shoved those ideas under a rock and thought that I really just need to settle down and do a mindless job like everyone else. I've really come away from my "mental roots" in a way over this past year or two. Working in this environment I've had a dose of reality and I've tasted just a little bit of what is supposed to be successful. In other words, I've had a glimpse of what I thought I wanted to do for the rest of my life, and I'm just not sure I can take it. I really question whether or not I was made for this type of lifestyle. Don't think I'm giving up on my career, I love what I do and it's a fantastic job to have a family with...but working in an office cube every day? Hmmm... I don't think I can do that forever.

Over the past 6 months I feel like God might be using Slovakia to show me what I should be doing instead. I'm not necessarily saying that I will definitely be a career missionary for the rest of my life... but what I am saying is that I think I should be open to seeing what's in store for me and that what I thought I wanted (to be wealthy) is a foolish thing to live my life for. I have to believe in what I'm doing or else I won't last. The jobs that have changed my life are the jobs I've believed in and were committed to, and I want that again, I just want to spend my life doing something I believe in. Call me a romantic or an UNrealist if you want.

Speaking of which, a side note, I look around and I see mostly women that want to go on the mission field. Why is that? Maybe it's just the city or church or group of friends I know? I'm not sure. To be honest it's kind of disappointing. I think God isn't done working in me and He's molding my heart so I understand that He's giving me what I need; and maybe what I need is to have a heart change. Maybe what I need in a 'mate' is what I never previously wanted or was ready for. Maybe he's molding my hearts desire into another type of life that I previously never wanted. To be honest, it keeps me patient on God just thinking about that. I know for sure that I've got some things God has to fix in me before marriage- my problems and baggage in a marriage would be a bad thing right now. I obviously don't know the answer to these questions but it sure is interesting for me to think about.

Part 'dva' is coming tomorrow. Don't want to overwhelm...