I believe there are two types of bad stress. One kind is the kind we mostly associate that word with, and I call it Explicit Stress. Stress that leaves nothing implied, as explicit is defined. Traffic, deadlines, event planning, a flat tire, your baby crying, etc. Then there's the other kind, the dangerous kind, Implicit Stress. The kind of stress not easily defined or relieved. Miscommunication in a friendship, feelings of instability in a job, extreme discontent with self, a sick or rebellious loved one, depression and/or anxiety, a nomadic lifestyle, etc.

I've experienced this type of stress quite a bit in my life. It wasn't till a few years ago that I started to realize just how much implicit stress can eat away at you from the inside out! Everyone deals with stress differently, and everyone's symptoms of stress are different. In the book "The Gift of Pain", Paul Brand talks about how our bodies send us signals, and I found this fascinating. When our bodies feel heat or pain, our natural reaction, the signal sent to our brain, is telling us to get away from that through some kind of automatic reaction. When we sit in a certain position in our chair and it starts to hurt our backs, our bodies are signaling our brains to tell the rest of our body to change our position. When we stress and our bodies really FEEL that stress, like through back knots, headaches, etc., it is telling us to pay attention.

I am finally starting to pay attention. I'm paying attention to what the heck my body is trying to tell me when things happen. Often times I will go, go, go until my body says stop, stop, stop. Isn't it amazing how God designed our bodies?! We stress out, right? When I'm stressed and in the go-mode, I don't listen to people telling me to stop, I don't listen to bible verses telling me to calm down, but I will darn well listen to my body when it starts breaking out in random pain. As weird as it sounds, I am actually thankful for this pain. I'm thankful for those sensors in my body, because without them, who knows what kind of basketcases we'd be!

When I moved away to college, I experienced Round 1 of The Body Freak-Out. I had severe and unexplainable pain all over my body and I was in and out of the college doctor's office--trust me, this was not something I did for attention, this was very real pain. I finally realized that this was probably happening because I hated most of my first year of college. I was lonely, I had no friends there, I didn't care about school, I didn't party or drink, and I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.

Once in a while I feel that stress again, usually it happens when a big change is about to happen, or happening, in my life. When I move, when I get a new job, or other big changes. I'm about to incur a huge change in my life- I would say probably the biggest change I will ever go through. Moving to Florida was stressful, yeah, but I had lots of friends and I was in the U.S. in my comfort zone. I'm about to go to another country, with new friends, to a new job and a new home. Not only that, but I can't go until I get enough financial support. For those of you that think support raising is easy, I would love to get advice from you! In my opinion, it's very stressful. I have my up's and down's, but overall, it's hard to imagine that it could be months until I receive my support. The big question mark over the next few months can be a little unnerving.

Even though I do really trust God that He'll take care of me- I guess there's no excuse for the stress, but nevertheless, I am human and I stress.

Anyway, as to how it affects me. Like what happened in college, I have unexplainable pain for one. Over the past few weeks I've had some substantial pain in my shoulder/arm for no reason, my wrist hurts so bad I can't even brush my hair, and my foot hurts so much I went to the doctor. (It takes a lot for me to visit a doctor!) By the way, the foot pain is because of a bone spur in my big toe joint and severe pronation- keep it up and I'll need surgery, yay! Not! Umm I'll get headaches, backaches, and a LOT of other weird things I'd rather not post on this blog--for your own sake! And it sucks too, cause to explain that to someone is soooo lame. Like, I'll flinch when I turn a doorknob or something and someone's like, "Are you okay??" and I'm like, "Yeah um... it's just stress." That's stupid--I want to be like, "Ohh yeah, I was pulling someone up from a cliff who was about to fall to their death. Yep, saved their life, thanks to my trusty wrist."

Ya know I think this whole entry could have just said, "Stress makes me hurt" and you would have gotten the picture. Oh well. Hey, how does stress affect you? What are you going through that is stressful?

In the course of your life, if you've grown up going to church, you've probably heard something like this: "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it must be a duck.

Therefore, if you act like you're of the world, talk like you're of the world, and look like you're of the world, well, you must me of the world then. I've heard this a lot before, and I've also struggled with this fine line. I consider it a grey area, yet somehow I have a feeling that Jesus didn't consider it grey. In fact, I vaguely remember him saying something like "Don't be of the world" in paraphrase. Did I just make that up? Maybe that was Paul...

Yet, somehow I don't think it's that easy. Here's what I mean: if you don't act normal (of the world) and you chose to shelter yourself from the world, you're probably either a nun, you're amish, or you belong to a cult. If you do act normal (of the world), it is easy to be reprimanded for being "too much of the world"! I think this is the epitome of GREY in Christianity. Why? Because it affects everything we do, and how we live our lives. Were is the line? What is normal and what is worldly? What did the bible mean by "of the world" exactly? Does it mean doing what everyone else does? Wear normal clothes, have a normal job, go on vacation, buy cell phones, shop at Wal-Mart, sleep on king size beds. Or is it talking about all the things we should stay away from? Sex, drugs & rock-n-roll?

If that were the case, then it seems like a lot of "worldly things" are open to debate. For example, secular music, tattoos, piercings, swearing, watching tv shows or movies that aren't edifying, gossip...a few things that a lot of Christians have, do, or approve of, especially the younger generation. But what about the older generation? My parents and grandparents? Most Christians their age don't agree with these things. Their visualization of "of the world" may manifest a young punk rocker with a mohawk, piercings and tattoos, skateboarding down the street smoking a cigarette. I know a LOT of people who'd automatically assume that person was not a Christian. He looks like a duck, so he must be a duck. But why? I think our generation is starting to buck these trends and presumptions. Which means that our generation, when we think of "of the world" we may think of actions that are far worse than our parents and grandparents. Maybe murder, rape, prostitution, arsony, whatever. Am I making sense?

At the same time, would you agree that it is more affective to share the Gospel on a relational level? And would you agree that to have a relationship with an unbeliever you need to be able to relate to them on some level? So how can we relate to unbelievers if we don't live among them and live like them? Of course you know I'm not talking about sinning against God or putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation to make you stumble. Is it wrong for Christians to participate in activities that are grey in the bible, such as the older generation's view of "of the world"? If you think it's wrong, why? Is it social or familial expectations? Or is there really biblical proof against it? Yes, I know the verse about your body being a temple, but what are other reasons those things are bad?

I know that we do not belong to this world- we're just passing through- we're aliens and foreigners- yes, yes I know. But we're HERE! Aren't we? We're here from now until we die. We can't escape this life quite yet, and as unbelievable as Heaven will be, we are here right now. We have to live with what we have.

I just begin to wonder if we Christians should stop getting so caught up on the little things and really start to accept people..the weird ones, the hobos, the prostitutes, the homosexuals, the freaks, the goths. Now hold on, please don't think that I'm saying we should accept their sins and be indifferent towards their disobeying God. Most assuredly that's not what I'm saying. But honestly, when you see somebody like that on the street, is your first thought "HOLY COW that's weird, I feel uncomfortable, I'm going to walk away now!". Or is it not being afraid of their sins and their mistakes and reaching out to people that truly need it. Our creed is that it's not about works, but we're hypocrites when we're obsessed with "looking" like a Christian. Am I wrong? Am I talking like a dirty liberal? I feel like I'm sounding really liberal right now...

I've always heard that we should be different from other people. We should stand out. People should know we are just...different. 'This little light o' mine, I'm gonna let it shine!'...right? But really- how different are we? I mean...sure...in our souls, in our heart of hearts we are very different from unbelievers because we have a hope that they don't have. We have something so great that can never be taken away from us. That's in our hearts and we SHOULD live it out, we should love people and share the Gospel, but should we be so obsessed with acting so different from everyone else? How different should we really be?

These are real questions, not just statements posed as questions. I'd love to know your thoughts.

Every day, almost without fail, someone says to me, "How are you?" I usually say something like "Fine, thanks", or recently it's been "Hanging in there, thanks" or some other totally false reply. If it's before 10 a.m., what I'd really like to reply to that question with is a grunt that communicates "Leave me alone". Most of the time if I am at work during a normal workday, I'd really like to reply with a "I'm at WORK. Am I SUPPOSED to be happy?!"

I'm sure that's the same for most of you too, yet, something in us feels like we need to be positive for everyone else and lie right through our pearly white teeth. I wonder why. Maybe because some people don't think the person who's asking really gives a flip, or maybe because if they talk about their problems they'll get upset, or maybe because they'll appear negative. On the contrary, I'll bet that at least 3/4 of the people around me at any given time are actually feeling like crap when they're asked that question.

I always feel this awkward moment when someone asks me how I am and I am 100% sure that they don't give a rat's rear end how I really feel. They'd like for me to just say "Fine" because they're walking in the opposite direction and 20 feet away by the time I answer. I say "Fine" outloud, but think "Fine, but I'm lying and you don't care! Ha!" It's also awkward when I ask someone how they're doing, they're really not doing well and want to share because I asked, but I'm a hurry...or who I've asked is the boy filling my grocery bag and frankly I'm not sure I care about them being upset because their aunt's sister's baby's daddy's cousin's dog is in a coma for eating too much chocolate.

So I've made a resolution, even though it has nothing to do with the New Year that's coming up here shortly. My resolution is to stop asking people how they're doing unless I really want to know. I'd also like to be more honest when people ask me how I'm doing, even if it's bad, because I indirectly lie to people all day. It's okay if people think I'm being too negative or cynical when I reply, at least they know I'm being honest. In return, I hope that they'll be honest with me and there won't be a vicious circle of lies!...... Lies I tell you!

Instead, expect to hear questions like What's up? How are things going? How's life treating you? What's happening? What's shakin'? (for you youngins out there). Yep. Might be a strange resolution, but oh well.

In my high school English class during my senior year, we were allowed to write a paper about anything we wanted, as long as we compared two things. My teacher at the time was a Christian so I had a little bit of extra courage to write about religion knowing he'd like it...so I decided to write this research paper (10+ pages) on Christianity Vs. Buddhism. One of my best friends at the time was a buddhist/atheist, and her mother was a buddhist (she was Japanese too) so I had a great resource. I spent hours researching, interviewing, writing and editing what I thought was a literary work of art. I turned it in, got a decent grade and Mr. Meacham, my teacher, handed it back to me.

When I got home that day, I went outside, walked out to the woods in my back yard with a lighter in my hand, set it on fire, and watched it burn.

In a few days I'm going to talk about why being a Christian can be hard. I've already written the outline of this, but I realized this reason in particular needed more attention from me to communicate for my own well being.

For kids like me who have grown up in a small southern town, in a Christian home, around Christian friends, and a Christian church, it isn't usual to be fully versed in world religions when you're young. In fact, it wasn't till 7th grade till I even remember being introduced to any religion except my own. Once high school hit, I started to become very interested in other religions, mainly because I acquired friends that believed something other than Christianity. That I can remember, I had buddhist, wiccan, atheist, and Jewish friends.

I wanted to understand these religions, compare mine with theirs, talk about it, debate about it, give them a good reason to doubt what they believed. I would research these schools of thought and even write papers on my own time about them. In that process though, something happened to me. I didn't have enough confidence in my own faith/religion to have the discernment to see what was wrong and what was right. I had enough head knowledge to get started, but my mental confidence- the undeniable HEART confidence we all strive for was not in me. I think I just wanted to win an argument and it came down to pride. Eventually I started to see a lot of universal truths in other religions. I started to question my own faith/religion and whether it made sense and if I really did believe it.

Suddenly I became very aware of my cultural and spiritual surroundings and became kind of uncomfortable around the things I never thought twice about. During a sermon or bible study I would pretend that I was an atheist in my head and see how I'd react if I just walked into the surrounding.

I would think, "What would a buddhist think about this bible study?" and so on. "Do they have their own studies?"

While singing hymns I would think, "If wiccans had a church and sang songs, what would their songs sound like? I'll bet they think what we're singing is ridiculous and we're being forced into believing it."

"Do I really believe this or am I a product of my culture and familial expectations?"

"Is this really true or have I been fed a story all my life and I just blindly believe it?"

"We Christians know we're 100% right. But so does everyone else who belong to their own religion. They think they're 100% right too. So which is it?"

"Do people from other religions consider us foolish?"

"What if this is all made up by people? What if none of this is true? What if we're doing all this for no reason?"

There are so many more questions I had at the time, but even as I write this now I feel uncomfortable. This is not a struggle I completely left behind in high school. To be completely honest, I still have thoughts like this that intrude in my head. I am convinced that Satan uses these thoughts to make me stumble. The Enemy uses these thoughts of doubt to do this: to consolidate the power and majesty of God into a "World Religion" that has a "Series of Beliefs and Morals". To make it 'another option' to believe in. So by making it 'another option' it makes me think that I could choose to leave and believe in something else. This is a VERY slippery slope.

Some people can dance on this slope and do years of research in other religions, be attacked by people of different beliefs, be made fun of and scoffed at, and not be swayed at the least. Me? Even talking about this is hard for me. I don't like it.

The problem with not liking to talk about this is because it makes you look like you're closed minded and living with blinders over your eyes. I don't want to be so closed minded that I can't even talk to people about what they believe. That's not good at all. At the same time, would I rather appear closed minded or stumble? That's when I have to step back and do what's best for me.

The reason I am bringing this up is because I feel like if I admit something like this and bring it to the surface, it won't rot in my head and cause me to deal with it alone. When darkness is brought to the light, well, it's not so dark anymore.

Even though this is a struggle for me, I stand firm in knowing that this could ever force me to fall from my life as a Christian. I have grown enough to know that I don't have to question whether God exists- I know He does, period. No buddhist or atheist could make me fall that far--but it doesn't mean I don't need to be careful.

I think it's just important to learn the scriptures more and more, to be ready to defend it. Not only that, it's not just about head knowledge, but really growing in my faith with Jesus- with my personal relationship. I want to become so confident in my faith that I can never be swayed, and the Enemy can't use stupid thoughts about other "belief systems" to make me stumble.

So how about you? Is this something you struggle with, or does it not even phase you?

One of the rules of thumb with certain people I work with is this: Ask forgiveness, not permission. In other words, do something whether or not it's the right thing to do because it has to get done - because if you ask permission and they say no, you can't do it. So I've sort of adopted this mentality for a few things in my own life. I just do something to get it done without asking permission because I just have to get it done, period. Or I take the liberty of doing something that someone might not like, maybe because I think I deserve it or because of my pride or selfishness.

Anyway, I have found, however, that this is really not a cool thing to do. Not because you don't succeed in getting things done, but because if the person you needed permission from gets mad at you for what you did, or it puts you in an awkward situation, it's really embarrassing. At least 3 times in the past few months in particular have left me in tears because I got scolded for some things....and a TON of little things too.

For example, I still get embarrassed when I think of a few situations in particular that really humbled the snot out of me. Okay, this was in like 2003 or so, I think my last year of being a summer camp counselor. It was rainy outside so we decided to have evening vespers indoors with all the kiddies. It was a great atmosphere, lights were off, candles were lit, I was leading worship. Then it was also my turn to speak for devotion. All summer I had with me a book called Jesus Freaks about martyrs and their stories. I decided that it would be really compelling to share with the group about this one particular Christian camp for kids in Indonesia or something. The story basically went like this (cliff notes style): buncha' Christian kids at camp, they heard gunfire a long ways away but they didn't have any cars to take people to safety, so the adults went to town to rent vans, the adults got killed, and the people with guns were coming through the woods to kill the kids. I went on to explain how scary that might be and it ended up to be a sort of Gospel lesson. Yeah, does anyone here think that was a GOOD story to read to little kids right before they walked back to their cabin in the pitch dark and go to bed? NO, probably not, though it made perfect sense to me at the time. Anyway, I totally got called out on it from the camp director and I felt like a total buffoon. If I only would have asked if that story was appropriate first!!!

Side note, I really don't like getting scolded...no, I kinda hate it. In elementary school if the teacher told me to stop talking or stop doing something, I would seriously be crushed and/or start to cry. I don't cry every time someone tells me to stop doing something, but the older you get, the more "somethings" you do are more serious and personal. What used to be "don't cut in line" is now "you need to consider the way you live your life" kinds of things. I just don't take it well. I'm not saying that to make everyone feel awkward when they really do need to scold me...Blah blah I know it's a part of life and I have to deal with it. I'm just being honest - I know it's necessary but I still don't like it, especially when I disagree with the cause.

Regardless of that though, my official advice is to just shut up do the right thing. Ask permission about things, not forgiveness...just stay on the safe side, okay? Do it for me! I don't want you to feel as stupid as I have. If they don't let you do something you wanted to do, then at least you won't feel like an embarrassed loser like me. It may appear goody-two-shoes-esque but I don't really care anymore...better than feeling like a loser!

I was in the bathroom of the house where my bible study is (I guess I could have left that detail out), and I saw a picture on the wall that was interesting to me. It was the fruits of the spirit on a plaque.

Love
Joy
Peace
Long-suffering
Gentleness
Goodness
Faith
Meekness
Temperance

I was going down the list of these attributes and trying to really grasp each one of them. I've seen this list a hundred times but never really tried to understand it or decide whether or not I am living out these fruits.

I just thought it was interesting how LOVE and KINDNESS were two separate attributes. Isn't kindness a result of love? What's the difference between the two? Should we be be kind to certain people, and love other people? Should we only really love our family and close friends and be kind to everyone else? Are we called to love each and every person or are we just called to be kind?

I have no idea. Anyone have any thoughts about this?

By saying "a little disconnected", I meant VERY disconnected. Oh well... similar subject.

This is kind of a stupid thing to write about, but whatever. Tomorrow I'll make it up to you by writing my thesis on quantum physics and eschatology.

I have never been inside an Ikea store...until 3 nights ago. I just want to state for the record that I think Ikea is my new favorite store. I knew it was going to be kinda cool...but I didn't know the extent of its' wonder. As a friend told me the other day, "It made all my dreams come true". I know a lot of it is cheapo stuff...and I also found out that Ikea blatantly funds radical causes promoting abortion, gay pride, and other stuff. As a matter of fact, so does Starbucks, Sears, Southwest and a lot of other corporations. Maybe I'll save that discussion for another day though.

In Ikea I just kept walking around saying, "Oooooo" "Aaaaahhhh" "I want that! and that! and OH look at that!" I felt like a total goof in there because on the inside I was ridiculously excited about it. I of course didn't buy anything for myself, because I don't think the airlines would appreciate me showing up with a leather couch and entertainment center on the way to Slovakia.

The funny thing about being there was that it kinda made me sad. I feel stupid saying that, but it's true!

It's just that... I believe someone's natural tendency as a human, more specifically women, is the desire to make a home. I guess they call this "nesting". One of my desires is to nest. To make a place for me and my family to live. At this point, I've had to move so many times in my life that right now I am now really satisfied with having very little.

Side Note: For years I've acquired tons of useless crap. Up until a year ago I was flat broke all the time--so when someone wanted to give me something I took it with no hesitation, even if I didn't need or want it. I even picked through the trash of some really rich people I worked for cause they had some good stuff in there! I think I took some canned vegetables. Off topic. So for years I've had a lot of useless stuff I've carried around with me and a few weeks ago I sold or gave almost all of it away. It is a REALLY great feeling to not have much stuff to worry about. If you are in the same boat as I, and have a cluttered room or house, I encourage you to sell or give away what you have that you don't need. It's liberating.

That is where I am now, but even though I enjoy that freedom of having little...and even though the stuff you own can end up owning YOU right back in return...I still have this urge to make a real home.

Floating in same thought-pot in my brain, lately I've been coming to terms with the idea that it may be years until I get married...if at all. I don't like thinking about that, and maybe I'm too young to consider it, but there is never any guarantee that anyone will accomplish anything in their lives, especially marriage. I've always heard that God will give you the desires of your heart...but I also know that God CHANGES the desires of your heart sometimes. So what if my desires change to not wanting to be married? What if God changes my desire? All I can say that if I am called to be single, I sure wish I didn't have the desire to be married because it's hard. I still don't like thinking about that.

So believe it or not, all of these things were running through my mind while I was at Ikea. What I want versus what I might get. Is what I want now really what I should want? I can't even shop in mental peace!

What I've been dealing with for the past few weeks is trying to figure out which direction I should be going in. I'm trying to decide whether what I wanted for my life when I was young is really where I should be, or whether I should stick with attempting to attain a normal 'white picket fence' life. I'm feeling the fork in the road coming up soon and I don't know whether to just sit in the driver's seat on auto pilot and let God do His thing, or whether I should hop in there and start making some turns. Should I pursue life #1 with a successful career and 'normal' comfortable living, or life #2 with pursuing an unbelievably rewarding live-changing unglamourous mission life. It's a really strange feeling to THINK you know what you wanted, and felt confident in that...but then all of the sudden question your goals. I feel kind of fickle. Which way do I go?? Don't know.

Breaking this up into two parts cause it's long and a little disconnected.

Isn't it funny how a lot of things you hated at first, you now love? Or is that just me? A few examples: I would never touch onions and peppers when I was young- I absolutely hated them. One day my mom made dinner with them, and overnight I loved them. I hated Led Zeppelin when I first heard them, and now they're one of my favorite bands. In high school I was really attracted to artsy, musical, sensitive guys. Now, my "tastes" have changed and I'm looking for something else in a mate. I hate using the word mate...probably cause it's a verb too.

I've taken a 360 degree turn over the past 6 months about something pretty big. I've never wanted to do long term or career mission...EVER. In fact, before Slovakia (and even on my way back on the plane) I was dead set on focusing on my career and really trying to succeed. I don't make a lot of money at my job, but enough to be comfortable and double of what I made over a year ago. I enjoy not stressing about whether I should get a side order of fries at a nice restaurant, or get a meal like a normal person. I have stressed about money for 23 years! I mean, I still do a little, but not nearly as much...and I like that.

But in the midst of getting so caught up with what I thought I wanted in life, I lost track of something kind of important. I lost track of what I should be DOING with my life. Working in a professional environment with dressy clothes and nice paychecks, I grew so fond of feeling like I really could succeed and be a part of 'the high life'...not like I live it now by any means, but I wanted to, honestly. Before I took this job, I used to say "All I want is a normal desk job and a cubicle". It made sense at the time because I shared a tiny office with 8 people with no privacy. I've realized though, that this is nice for a little while, but I dread the idea of working in a grey box for the rest of my life. The quality of my life in every other way except earning pay and learning my career has gone down dramatically. I've really stepped away from some things that I am passionate about to sacrifice them for my job.

For so long I was sort of a dreamer, a romantic. I shoved those ideas under a rock and thought that I really just need to settle down and do a mindless job like everyone else. I've really come away from my "mental roots" in a way over this past year or two. Working in this environment I've had a dose of reality and I've tasted just a little bit of what is supposed to be successful. In other words, I've had a glimpse of what I thought I wanted to do for the rest of my life, and I'm just not sure I can take it. I really question whether or not I was made for this type of lifestyle. Don't think I'm giving up on my career, I love what I do and it's a fantastic job to have a family with...but working in an office cube every day? Hmmm... I don't think I can do that forever.

Over the past 6 months I feel like God might be using Slovakia to show me what I should be doing instead. I'm not necessarily saying that I will definitely be a career missionary for the rest of my life... but what I am saying is that I think I should be open to seeing what's in store for me and that what I thought I wanted (to be wealthy) is a foolish thing to live my life for. I have to believe in what I'm doing or else I won't last. The jobs that have changed my life are the jobs I've believed in and were committed to, and I want that again, I just want to spend my life doing something I believe in. Call me a romantic or an UNrealist if you want.

Speaking of which, a side note, I look around and I see mostly women that want to go on the mission field. Why is that? Maybe it's just the city or church or group of friends I know? I'm not sure. To be honest it's kind of disappointing. I think God isn't done working in me and He's molding my heart so I understand that He's giving me what I need; and maybe what I need is to have a heart change. Maybe what I need in a 'mate' is what I never previously wanted or was ready for. Maybe he's molding my hearts desire into another type of life that I previously never wanted. To be honest, it keeps me patient on God just thinking about that. I know for sure that I've got some things God has to fix in me before marriage- my problems and baggage in a marriage would be a bad thing right now. I obviously don't know the answer to these questions but it sure is interesting for me to think about.

Part 'dva' is coming tomorrow. Don't want to overwhelm...

I'm not a patient person. Well, no wait, that might be a little harsh. Let me be more specific. I am very impatient when it comes to certain things. I've already told you how much of a jerk I am waiting for my coffee at Starbucks. I won't go into all the ways I AM patient, like saving up for something I want, but the ways I'm not as they're much easier to put my finger on. I think there are different kinds of impatience. One in particular is the "I want it NOW" type of attitude. That's me in the coffee shop. It's seeing something you want and doing whatever it takes to get it. It can be using your credit card to buy all sorts of things you don't need. We here in the West are infamous for this Instant Gratification Attitude. We thrive on knowing that we could have just about anything we wanted with enough money and desire.

Another kind of impatience is something I deal with a lot. It's the kind where something seemingly small or trivial really gets under my skin...and usually no one else is bothered by it but me. For example, in church I absolutely cannot stand it when kids cry or talk when I'm trying to concentrate and the parents don't take them out. I get irritated at kids who are loud and obnoxious in public too and their parents don't do anything to help the situation or yell at them. In a quiet setting, whether school, work, church, falling asleep, reading a book or whatever, I really can't stand it to hear certain noises. Noises like incessant coughing, people clearing their throats way too much, snoring, the sound of a pencil against paper that I can hear a mile away, obnoxious whistling. I don't just get a little miffed at these things, they really do make me mad! I am so impatient. This morning we were praying and there was a kid who wouldn't stop talking in the silence and I changed my prayer to "God give me patience!" I am also a really big jerk when I want to walk fast and someone ahead of me is walking at a snail's pace.

Maybe it's cause I'm from a small southern town, but traffic in Orlando is absurd. My friend said she had to get counseling because of it! Ha! Really though, it's ridiculous. I turn into an absolute maniac when someone ticks me off in traffic, and I hope that none of you see me at my worst because you will think I really need counseling. For example, yesterday I am trying to part at Starbucks and this women takes literally 60 seconds to get out of her parking space trying to do a 97 point turn, but it was the only one left, so I waited... and waited... and waited... I am sitting there with the most unenthusiastic ticked off face I could muster that communicates "I am dying a slow death waiting for you". THEN some moron comes speeding around the corner and takes the space before I could pull in because the stupid woman was in front of me. I won't go into the details of what I did after that, but it wasn't a pretty sight.

Yeah, I need more patience.

my mind that takes and twists

each pinch that comes from one

who doesnt know theyve missed

seeing that ive come undone

GOD FIX ME.

Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, 2004
Pentax ZX30 35mm, T-Max Film
More than one person told me they didn't see anything special in this shot, mainly because they couldn't tell what it was. I got it enlarged and posted it in my room anyway, 'cause I like it...and I remember exactly how it happened.

We had taken a few hours off from exhausting work to run some errands. Bev Warren (missionary) and I were running around town in their diesel van to buy coffee (best in the world) and to look at one of the Orthodox churches in town. Ethiopia is not only rich with culture, but very religious as well- as there are quite a number of churches in Addis.

We had just walked out of the church where we had a mini tour. We had to take our shoes off inside as it was a holy place and they take that very seriously. The ceilings were high and intricate, and as the light poured in from the tall skinny windows, you could see the fog of incense swirling around above.

After we stepped out of the church we walked across the courtyard to the church's museum. On the left before the large wooden doors was a huge bell tower. The guide asked me if I wanted to go up...so of COURSE I did! I am not very scared of heights, but I tell you thought I was going to die! Imagine this: I walk in the door and notice that not only are the stairs about to fall apart, but they are very narrow, steep and uneven, sometimes even slanted towards the center. There is no guard rail at all, and it spirals all the way up to the top. With my camera in my hand I dug my fingers into the bell tower walls and dared not look down. Well, I did look down..bad idea! The tower was at least 50 feet high, which doesn't sound high, until you're 6 inches away from falling to your death if you step wrong.

Ethiopians often times wear thin throws that look sort of like a blanket across their chest and shoulders. In front of me was a boy of about 13 who was actually the bell boy. He rushed up the stairs in front of me with his white throw, brown tattered shorts, skinny legs and skimpy sandals which were brushing against the stone before every step. He was up there long before I was as he'd done it a thousand times before.

As soon as I stepped foot on the top, with a huge smile on his face he began ringing the bell as hard as he could while looking over the edge to the city. The space was tight, perhaps only 6 feet in diameter with an enormous bell over top of us. At the time my lens only went to 27mm so that's why it seems a bit too zoomed. Regardless, I like this one.

The following entry is about nothing profound, but more of my scrumptious verbal vomit that's making my stomach sick keeping it inside. In fact, it's really just me complaining about my own laziness, so if you don't want to read this, please skip ahead to the next one.

Did you know that over 2 million people die each year due to being lazy? Yep. You can check the World Health Organization if ya' don't believe me. That's a lotta' people dying for such a dumb reason.

There's been something that's really bothering me lately- more so over the past 3 years. I'll just go ahead and say it. I'll just say what's on my mind! I am in the worst shape I have ever been in in my entire life- right here, right now. That sucks. Really bad. What the crap? I am not just saying that because I am an emotional women (even though that is true). I'm saying it cause it's really truthfully making me angry and it's something I think about all the time. And it's not good thoughts, mind you, these are not good thoughts I think about in regards to this....which causes quite a bit of distress in my little head.

Hold on. My cat is chewing on an electronics cord of some kind. I vow to you this day that if someone does not take this cat I will bake him in my oven and the blood will be on your hands!!!

Ahem. Where was I?

Right, I'm totally out of shape. I do my best to take the stairs at work as much as possible (unless it's first thing in the morning, the last hour of work, or if I have heels on...is that enough excuses?). I am so freaking pathetic. I feel like I ran a marathon. I am so ticked off that I can actually see visible difference in myself...like, a big difference. In everything! I won't get into how or where I can tell, like my arms and chin and legs, OH MY! but trust me.

Whatever. I'm friggin tired of it! Jeez.

Florida is the worst place EVER for a gal like me to stay/get in shape. I just wasn't built for this heat and flatness and culture. I mean, North Carolina is hot as crap, but not nearly as bad as this for 9 months out of the year. Last week it was 85*. What IS THAT?! I never used to be super thin by any means, but I stayed in shape thanks to softball and normal kid stuff you could do when you lived at home in a safe neighborhood ya know? If I was bored, I'd just go outside and walk around and find something to do. Go fishin', ride my bike, whatever. I'd be in summer camp and go rock climbing and rafting and hiking. It was just an active lifestyle.

But here.. here you can't do that stuff at least where I live now. I'm on a really bad road and it's super scary at night and lots of creepy people always walk up and down it. By the time I get home from work it's dark out, and I'm not about to go strolling down Lee Road unless I have a baseball bat and mace ready to go. Even if it was safe it's SO HOT all the time, it's simply miserable!

You say, "Well join a gym you moron", which is a logical solution to this problem....except I hate working out in a gym right underneath public speaking and root canals. I don't like 30-60 minutes of beating the crap out of myself and feeling terrible while I do it and THEN feeling miserably sore for 3 days afterwards. Yah, I know I gotta shutup and do it anyway if I want to change stuff, but I'm just complaining cause I don't wanna! You can't make me do it! You're not my REAL mom anyway!!! ::rolls around on the floor:: Okay...what?

I just think I would really succeed in a place where it's so small I'd have to walk everywhere, or so big I'd have to walk everywhere. Orlando, and even where I'm from in central NC, you have to drive 10-45 minutes to get anywhere. Or if that's not the case, a place that actually has outdoor activities available and weather that allows people to go outside and not feel like they've actually stepped into an oven. There are tons of places like this- in the U.S. alone out West is a haven for people who like to be outdoors...or even the Northeast.

I will say, as a fact, that having an office job really doesn't help our sedentary tendencies. You wake up, sit in your car as you drive to work, eat breakfast, sit down till lunch, drive to lunch, sit at lunch, drive back, sit at your desk till 5:30, sit in your car, come home and sit while you eat dinner, maybe sit and watch a little tube or read, till you go to bed and lie down. The lifestyle of office workers is horrible unless you really really make a conscious effort to do something for yourself before or after work. If I ever killed someone it would be in the morning- so morning workouts are a big no-go for me...and the ironic thing is that after work, even though I haven't done jack squat all day, I'm sooo tired!

I just really really hope that somehow, someway, I can find a way to live a life that's not sedentary and be one of those 'active lifestyle' kinds of people. I really don't want to live the rest of my life being uncomfortable and ticked off that I don't look the way I want. It gets old after a while, ya know?

In the meantime, I guess I gotta shutup and work out.

I've been talking a lot about society, pet peeves, random things, books, etc. Today I wanted to write about something a little more...vulnerable. Cause' hey, if I can't be real, what's the point of this thing anyway?

Let's say someone held up a set of flashcards for me with many different words and told me to just think about that word and what it means. The first card says "The South" and I may visualize fried chicken, country roads and hear bluegrass music. The next card says "Grandmother" and I think about my gramma's voice, her stature, her hands and her hair, the smell of her house. The third card says "Father" and I think of....well...first I'd think about....ummm...the sound of...no, that's not it....Hmmm...der.

Within one week after you're born, you can technically start to recognize things like the sound of your mother's voice, etc. Long lasting memories can start at around 18 months. After 9 years, you'd think one could remember someone they spent every day with, like a parent, don't you? When I was 7 or so (I don't remember my age but I remember every single thing about that moment), my parents asked my brother and sister to go in their room and sit down on the floor. They explained to us that our dad was sick, and that's all we knew. It was brain cancer, and the next few years were quite hellish for everyone....everyone except me though. He died when I was 9 while I was in the 4th grade.

For some reason, I don't have a good memory of my father and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. I remember clear as day certain memories that are engraved in my head. I remember the wheelchair in the dining room that us kids would wheel around on that he'd have to use. I remember this herbal drink that smelled terrible that they kept in brown bottles above the washer and dryer. I remember him wanting me to help him balance his checkbook in the living room and I was such a little wretch and complained the entire time so he let me go. I remember Christmas mornings. I remember one night we were brushing our teeth and in the big mirror in front of me I could see him; he was laughing because he blew his nose and some of it got on his shirt and we were all laughing with toothpaste spewing out of our mouths. I remember sitting at the kitchen table and hearing a loud thud upstairs because he had fallen in the shower after he got sick. I remember his bed in the piano room downstairs that Hospice had brought in because I believe he had been in a coma for a while.

After he passed, my aunt Marilyn and my mom came to wake me up. The lights were off in my room but the hall light was on and all I could see was the silhouette of my mom and aunt. They told me what happened. Shortly after, my parent's best friends Ed and Bobbie came over with my best friend Josh. He walked up to me and said he was sorry and I said it was okay. There were people all over our house from my church and my family and it was the middle of the night. I went back to bed that night, still not really understanding the significance of what happened. I woke up not feeling much different than the morning before. We went to the funeral, I didn't cry. We came back home and Josh and I went down to my basement to make something out of wood for my mom with my dad's tools.

I say all that not to depress anyone reading this, or to depress myself at that matter, but to recall what little memory I actually have of him in hopes of understanding this process.

I was NINE. Not 1, not 3, 9! Was I slightly retarded or something?! How could this have not affected me more at the time? I think about this all the time. A big part of me feels shameful for this. The only things I remember about him now are from pictures, video and everyone still talking about him, 15 years later.

Last Christmas, Ed and Bobbie gave my brother, sister and I two cd's. They told me it was a recording of my dad at church- he had lead two Sunday school adult lessons (which are pretty hard core- it's like, right below preaching at my church). For a year I've stared at these cd's in their red and green cases. It's even labeled Jim Truman on the front, with the lesson title and date. I haven't listened to it and I'm terrified to listen to it. Some day I might have the courage to, but I'm not sure if I can do it alone.

I think I've only mourned his death a few times. Not sure if that's normal or out of the ordinary but that is the case. In my mind, not having a biological father in my life is as natural as the grass is green. In Don Miller's book "To Own a Dragon", he makes an analogy about how having a father around was as preposterous and fairy-tale like as owning a dragon. I can completely relate to that! It's hard to mourn something that is so surreal even 15 years later. It's just part of who I am. "My name is Ande and I don't have a dad." It's part of my identity, it's molded and shaped who I am today.

My friend Bo was talking about cause and affect on a blog. That got me thinking about my dad and how that's affected my life. Not having a dad isn't like not having a dog or an imaginary friend growing up. It's the lack of something that should be there, like a house or a bed. It's unnatural. I won't get into all the ways it's affected my childhood, as that would take forever and a day to explain...but there is a part of my life that not having a dad I BELIEVE still affects me. By the way, a lot of times people use their past as a crutch- they use it as an excuse to justify stupid things they do or whatever, like "I was emotionally neglected therefore I will emotionally neglect you"- whatever- I'm not doing that about what I'm about to talk about, at least I don't think I am.

No father figure in my life meant there were inevitable changes after that point. If something was broken, we usually couldn't wait for a man from the church to come over. If the lawn needed mowing, we'd mow it. I see that translating into my life even today- I have that kind of mentality that if something is wrong I can't wait for someone else to rescue me- I gotta figure it out myself. I think it engraved a severe independence in my life; I don't need anyone to rescue me is my mentality. I saw the picture of Rosie the Riveter in middle school and always had a connection with it. Even though the history of the picture wasn't that relevant to me, I always had that "pull your sleeves up and get the job done" kind of mentality like she did. More importantly though, I think not having a male figure in my life shaped my femininity as well. I believe that a father makes his daughter feel more feminine; he evens his daughter out and makes her feel loved in all of her femininity- a good father praises his daughter for those qualities (sensitivity, demeanor, etc). A father is a safe haven for a daughter, a man she can outwardly show physical affection towards and it be totally natural.

That realm of affection is totally foreign to me. I grew up not having the outlet of showing affection towards men in that healthy way. The men in my life were my brother (of whom we rarely got a long and always fought, sometimes physically) and my best friend at the time, Josh (we did all the classic tomboy things together). So my understanding on guys were that I fight with them, feel undermined by them, go play in the woods and get into trouble with them. My feelings towards men NOW are that they just don't care about me, they come and go, they could never really love me, and in general....just...not there for me to count on. That is my #1 fear in marriage- he just won't stick around. HEY! Fear of abandonment!! Never heard of that one, right!?

In Don Miller's book "Blue Like Jazz" he talks about how people view their fathers is usually how they view God. When I read his explanation, my heart stopped, as I'd never even thought of this before. Read that book if you want to know more about his experience. As for me, it totally makes sense- my dad wasn't around, the idea of a dad was foreign, he wasn't there to count on or to rescue me, there was no one there to love me and care about me- the same feelings towards God. I felt like this until maybe a year or less ago. I'm not doubting my salvation throughout my teenage years and early 20's, but I missed such a huge part of Christ's relationship with me. I missed that whole "love" dynamic that makes salvation so sweet. God was just out there somewhere, probably with my dad in Heaven, just....helping everyone else but me.

I think that not having that comfort level with men has drifted through my life to this day. Not that I'm not comfortable with men, it's quite the contrary, I enjoy the company of men very much on a social and intellectual level....but crossing that boundary is still a foreign concept I am warming up to (which might be a blessing). I just wasn't that interested in that side of growing up- well, not that I wasn't interested, but I just didn't relate to it. I had a boyfriend at 16, but it was unbearably awkward. I've had a few other relationships since then, but there is still a certain amount of unsurity as to how I should act and respond to them. I wonder why I'm single and I'm sure it has something to do with how I act around men. I try to be their friend because that's what I've always known how to do. I am the world's worst flirt, by the way. I have a few guy friends and we 'fake flirt' ALL the time, but it's so corny and inappropriate (that's what she said) and not what I'm talking about here- I mean, the kind of flirting you see in a dialogue in a Hollywood movie. My girl friends and I would go out and they'd be like, "Hey! Go jump on that guy!" "Ande! Go booty dance with him!" "Ande! Go flirt with that gorgeous man!" I'm like..."Why?" hehe...

Anyway, I think I might be slowly easing my way into the whole "World of Men". I also think that even though I'd like to change, I really think it's gonna take one special guy for me. Not that I'm uber picky, but it's gonna take someone special and masculine and Godly to even out all of my qwerks. I'm also REALLY "old-fashioned" when it comes to that area. That's a whole other blog entry to explain that though! There are good men out there, but the feminization of the men's population of this world is truly something for us ladies to be sad about and it's getting harder to find them. As my girl friends tell me, there is a Slovak lumberjack out there named Sven just waiting for me :) God's just not done preparing him and I, whoever he is.