I don't want to be a downer, but it's one of those facts-of-life kind of things that isn't that happy to read about. It's also another one of those things that mean something to me but bringing it up in conversation is hard cause I don't want pity.
Anyway, it's the 15th anniversary of my dad passing away today. For those of you that don't know, it was brain cancer and I was 9. My brother, sister and mom remember it every year and just try to remember him. I didn't make it out to the graveyard like I usually do, but I'll go tomorrow. Anyway, he was sick for a few years I think before he passed. Eventually Hospice had to take over to come and take care of him. I don't remember as much as I think I should know about him- most of what I know is from what people still talk about today.
He was pretty big in the church, from what I've heard. I know at least once he preached from the pulpit for Sunday school- I said once on here that I have some recordings of his sermon but I'm a little freaked out to listen to it.
Ever have those random moments in time that don't really mean anything, but for some reason you have those visions you can't forget? I have a few of those with my dad, or about that whole season in our lives. I won't go into those details though, but they're there...like looking at the brown bottles of herbs he had to take, wheeling around on his wheelchair, being so angry because he made me help him balance his checkbook with him and he finally let me leave, brushing our teeth, fishing, hearing him fall in the shower, and his bed we had to set up downstairs by the piano cause he couldn't climb the stairs. Not saying that to be intentionally sad, but I guess if I write down anything I remember I won't forget, eh?
Almost everything else I know about him was from videos and pictures. Some of his old pictures remind me of John Lennon kinda. Maybe that's why I like him! I don't have any good ones of him online, but I'll get one.
I don't mind talking about it 'cause it's just a fact of life. I'm sure if I was older when this had happened I wouldn't be so cool with it, but I was young enough for it to be faint memories. Obviously the lack of a father figure growing up and still today is incredibly hard to cope with sometimes but that's a whole other bag o' worms I don't need to open tonight.
I just took a few hours to go hunting in our family albums for photos of him. There's this one picture I'm dying to find but after all those hours I couldn't find it. Funny, at the beginning of writing this I was pretty disconnected with what I was writing and it wasn't affecting me, but after seeing all these photos I need to stop and sleep -- because emotions and late nights don't mix well.
For those of you unfamiliar with the term RUE, as I was, it is a synonym for sorrow that is mixed with regret. I don't want to get into that now. Thinking about him gets harder for me the older I get and this year was hard. OKAY! TIME TO GO! No more thinking.
Fare thee well. (I'm putting the pictures I found on Facebook if you're interested)
So I was in this discussion with some people tonight about all sorts of crap for at least 2 hours or so: the end of the world, meteors, art, dreams, cervical herpes (don't ask), and all sorts of other stuff.
I mentioned that I've been dreaming a lot lately, most of them a little frightening. One of them I had remembered just as we were talking about the subject too. I'm standing in my bathroom (at the house I'm at now, the one I grew up in) on the second floor of the house. Looking out the window you see a yard and tons of trees. While looking out the window, all of the sudden an enormous tsunami-sized wall of water, hundreds of feet high, comes ripping through the woods as I'm watching it. It comes so strong and hard and fast and it slams into our house, so hard that it shakes the house. Within what seemed like a second or less the water from this wave reaches the 2nd floor window where I'm standing. Then I wake up.
Doesn't sound all that scary maybe but in the dream it was terrifying because of course I thought it was real.
So I told them about this dream and one of them is slightly knowledgeable about "dream interpretations". By the way, I'm 50/50 on that kind of thing, but it really is interesting- I'm a little infatuated with the dream world. ANYway, he tells me that from what he's researched in dream symbolism with huge waves, etc. is that there is a lot of internal stress/tension/anxiety...which is so true in my situation right now. Of course he said more about this that made more sense than what I'm saying, but it's 2:30 am and my brain is starting to shut down.
I just think that's interesting. I do believe, from what I've read, seen and experienced, that dreams are a subconscious way of manifesting ideas, greatest fears, utopic thoughts, and also concepts and thoughts which in a way you maybe can't handle consciously thinking about.
An enormous fear of mine is that a child will die or get seriously injured while I'm responsible for him or her...likely in the context of babysitting or driving them somewhere. I am really paranoid about it. Last week I had a dream that a kid I know very well had drowned in a pool and I was with the mother when we found the kid and I heard just like 1 second of the mother's reaction. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep for like 2 hours. He said this was maybe a way of my brain telling me that I don't agree with certain aspects of the way this mother raises her child (I don't want to get into detail with this, but he was right in saying that).
Anyway, whatever, this probably isn't interesting to you but I felt like writing something tonight. I don't write much when I'm in Mebane. It's this place. I'll stop there though- too many gossiping tongues to rat me out.
Well, I've seen three movies in the past two weeks that I've really enjoyed. So I thought I'd share them. All three are completely different from another- one's a comedy teen pregnancy, one highlights racial tensions in the U.S. and the other is about a kid who escapes society to live in the wild and travel...all three good.
I've already said my peace about Juno. Can be a bit crude but an all in all a good flick. More of an explanation to the right ----------> over there....
I saw Crash for the 3rd time as well. I would recommend checking it out, as long as you're not too sensitive to swearing. I've heard people say how much they didn't like it- how it was really depressing and pointless and how it highlighted the worst characteristics of humanity. Another person said it was the best movie they've ever seen- so obviously it's a love/hate movie. It tries to shed some light on cultural and social differences and tensions in the United States. If you're not from the states I think it would be especially interesting- at least if I put myself in the shoes of someone who wasn't familiar with that tension here. Yeah, sure they highlighted on many of the examples all in one flic which might have been overwhelming or unrealistic for some, but I thought it was accurate from the tension which I've personally seen myself.
It's almost 4 a.m. right now and I just finished watching Into The Wild....and for a movie to keep my attention in the wee hours of the morning says something. This was a movie that originated from a book that was written from a true story. In short, it's about a college graduate kid from a rich, messed up family who decides to disappear in the world for a while- traveling, backpacking, hitchhiking. His goal is to get to Alaska and live in the wild for a while. I most definitely won't tell you the ending though! And don't read ahead if you want to see the movie either! One person said they were so angry at this kid for rebelling against their parents and they considered this kid a real moron for doing what he did. I gotta say it was such a fantastic film- I completely disagree with their opinion and I have zero complaints about it. I thought it was shot well, I loved the story, I loved the genuine acting.. and most of all, I really sympathize with this kid's outlook on life in general. I envied his desire and willingness to do what he did. I don't think I could or would do it, but I totally understood his outlook. I wanted to be where he was, doing what he was doing... except a certain part in the movie which I will not spoil for you though. Anyway, it's about 2 hours long, and if you're not into the outdoors or sympathize with his wanderlust, then you probably won't like it. But if you're interested, just sit back and be patient and check it out.
Sorry, but I'm in a blunt and frustrated mood tonight and there's something that's just been bothering me lately. It's this whole idea of traditions mixed with religion. I'm not just bothered by this on the surface but in my heart of hearts, it saddens me to the core. What I mean by 'tradition mixed with religion' is that we are constantly mixing oil and water that don't belong together.
Oil being a heart felt relationship with Jesus Christ, an emotional, spiritual, natural, organic, intellectual, curious need-for-understanding and complete obsessive love for the Father God of Heaven.
Water being traditional, in-the-box, man-made, superstitious, judgmental, fundamentalist, routine, ritualistic and EMPTY social expectations.
I want to find a roof and scream this somewhere! It infuriates me to the point of tears tonight as I sit back and reflect on this topic and it breaks my heart. I am constantly baffled by the complete ignorance of so many people, namely westerners that I'm familiar with.
Our western society is stuck in the shackles of tradition and social expectations so much to the point that we are losing the battle against Satan himself for no reason. We are so set on which denomination in the Christian religion is more correct than the other, and we are so focused on nit-picking these things that we have lost sight of not only our Heavenly Father but His expectations for us on this earth while we are here.
Fundamentalist mentality: I have a "Message" Bible right now. It's the only Bible I've had where I look forward to reading it. Why? Cause it speaks in normal language- something someone might say to me across the table in a conversation. I look at verses in a new light, I understand things more, I read it quicker, it sinks in, and the language is colorful. And ya know what? It's bright flipping pink! I mean blinding pink. I got the color cause it was on sale, okay? My nephew saw it today and said, "What is that?" I said "A bible". He says, "But Bibles aren't pink!" I say "Why not?" But I run into so many people who are dead-set 100% against the Message translation because it's too "far from the original" and there's danger in that. It's like the Christian rebel's bible or something. Well by "original" they mean the King James version of NKJV. Who made a rule that said that the harder it is to understand, the better? I completely disagree with this notion that just because a Bible is translated into modern day language makes it any worse of a means to share or understand the Gospel- because I tell you what, 99% of people out there who are against the teachings of Christianity will not give the KJV the time of day! People are losing sight of the big picture here: these are God's words that have been translated in modern day language. Someone give me a legitimate reason why this is dangerous or evil? And don't tell me tradition!
Another fundamentalist mentality is that one particular denomination in the Christian faith is not only the best, but the only real means of becoming a true, devout, and mature Christian. Baptists think Presbyterians are wrong. Anglicans think Baptists are wrong. You get my point. Who has the right to presume that only one particular and specific denomination is false? I say this understanding that there is a thin line there- obviously I believe there are false religions and false teachings out there--but why dig such huge trenches in the midst of our fellow believers with only small differences? Because one person thinks that baptism via dunking is holier than baptism via sprinkling? Is it not opinion (within reason)? I have seen over and over that these seemingly insignificant differences have caused such massive rifts in the Christian faith and between believers that we lose great amounts of respect for eachother! Yet again we are losing sight of the big picture: we are all believers, we are working towards the same goal and more than likely we'll end up in the same place.
Traditions: When we grasp on to the ideas of traditions more strongly than the spirit of our living God, we are headed in a terrible direction. When we forget why why are doing something and do it anyway because it's tradition and your mom did it, and your mom's mom did it, it becomes empty and God isn't pleased. I am not saying that all traditions are wrong by any means, but look at all the empty rituals we do on a daily or weekly basis because we were taught to do it. Praying before meals without really thanking God with a conscience effort, getting married in a church without questioning whether that's necessary, or even accepting occasions like lent, Easter or Christmas. Not being able to wear pants to church, believing that only a piano in church is appropriate instead of other instruments as well, etc. Again, I'm not saying that any of this is necessarily wrong, but how often do you really have communion with God and pray for wisdom and understanding in these matters while doing them or believing them? Do you only do them because you're expected to fulfill traditions, or are you really believing them? From what I understand of the Catholic faith, this is a prime example of empty rituals and works being done with no conscious meaning.
Speaking of expectations,
Social expectations: This is a big one that is hard for me sometimes, because from the word "Social", I realize that these expectations are mostly meaningless! If you throw out everything you know about traditions, everything your teacher told you in Sunday school, and really get to the bottom of these social expectations, I find myself questioning how relevant they really are. With social expectations come a huge rift in fellowship - we are human, and if you're reading this you're probably in a sort of "western" modern culture. People like us are generally prideful, money-hungry, gossiping, hateful, spiteful creatures at heart, no matter how much we cover it up. In places like where I live, most people think you are expected to be successful, to be wealthy, to get married and have 2.5 kids with your white-picket fence, to stay in one place until you die, to dress nice for church on Sunday mornings... to dislike fat people, stupid people, ugly people, anyone faintly resembling a middle easterner, the drug addicts, people with mohawks, gangster looking men, men with makeup, women with short skirts- whatever, you get my point, there is a big bowl of characteristics we should be in, and there's a big bowl of characteristics which we should hate about other people. Not just dislike or hate, but to disrespect them to their face, or as we're professionals about this in the south: talk about them quietly but loud enough to where they can hear.
I tell you that if any one of those people were to come into an area of a large portion of the Christians I know, there would be no love, no respect, there would be judgments and whispers.
I think of the ways that many Christians I know share the Gospel. By evangelizing, they mean the only way to do that is to stand on a street corner and scream at someone, make sure that person knows they're going to burn in Hell, sit them down immediately and urge them to receive Christ like a sunburn, pray a short prayer, and voila! Instant Christian! I'm sorry but I don't know a single person that doesn't believe in Christ that would give Christianity a second thought, in fact it would turn them away much farther I believe.
I am someone that believes in living your life as Christ-like as possible and sharing your joy with everyone you can. They SEE that, they're not idiots. They see how miserable we are and how spiteful we act. They expect us to live what we speak and we're failing miserably.
And speaking of our expectations... you will come to find out that people with the "expected" life are miserable and depressed. In a study done by a British scientist, the U.S. is ranked as #23rd in the World's Happiest Countries (according to wealth, health care, poverty, suicides, etc). I believe that a big reason for that is because of these empty expectations that we're held to for no biblical reason- we expect that having these things will make us happy- so we get the house, the pile of bills, the spouse, the kids, the dog, and we realize that "OH, well poo, I thought all these things would make me happy and they didn't!" and we turn hopeless and miserable. More importantly, where does it say in the Bible we should do this? NOWHERE! In fact, Paul recommended to us to have next to nothing, not even a mate!
And we're surprised why people aren't interested in Christianity!? (I am mainly talking about a large portion of North Americans from their late teens to mid 30's). I know I probably beat this subject like a dead horse but yet again I go back to love! The Lord says our greatest commandment is to love. Love God, Love people, that's it. It wasn't "Love God, Love people, wear only skirts and dresses to church, feel obviously uncomfortable with flaming homosexuals, make comments in Wal-Mart about fat people, and above all, don't forget your empty traditions."
I've rambled a lot in this entry but my biggest concern is for people in modern society who are muddying up the waters with all of these distractions. Paul says this in Phillipians, and YES I'm taking it from the Message! I think Paul knew what he was talking about in regards to people getting distracted from our purpose and goal! This is a long passage but it goes quick, and it's good!
7-9 The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God's righteousness.
10-11 I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.
15-16 So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it.
17-19 Stick with me, friends. Keep track of those you see running this same course, headed for this same goal. There are many out there taking other paths, choosing other goals, and trying to get you to go along with them. I've warned you of them many times; sadly, I'm having to do it again. All they want is easy street. They hate Christ's Cross. But easy street is a dead-end street. Those who live there make their bellies their gods; belches are their praise; all they can think of is their appetites.
20-21 But there's far more to life for us. We're citizens of high heaven! We're waiting the arrival of the Savior, the Master, Jesus Christ, who will transform our earthy bodies into glorious bodies like his own. He'll make us beautiful and whole with the same powerful skill by which he is putting everything as it should be, under and around him.
I think Paul has the right idea here. He's kind of my biblical hero. I truly am sorry if you've read this and are offended at what I've said...but another sort of tradition as we as Christinas have is this: if you disagree with someone theologically, there should be a rift in the relationship. I see it all the time! It's totally fine if you completely disagree with what I believe here because in the big picture, we're still on the same team and we're all headed towards the same goal!
I feel very passionately about falling away from what Christ intended us to be as believers. I feel unceasingly disturbed about how we as a people are taking liberties in Christ's words and commands and ruining them, making them so unbelievably routine and ritualistic. I think we're headed on a wrong path and if you've agreed with anything I've said here then I think we'll be going upstream against the current! Call this spiritual immaturity if you want, or even worldly naivety, but these problems mean something to me and I don't think God is pleased.
What I feel like writing about has no real value, no spiritual or social significance. I've been home for a few weeks and there were a few things I've noticed about this place possibly worth mentioning.
My 'parents' go to bed at like 9:30 p.m. I enjoy staying up late, at least between 12 and 2 a.m. They are also extremely light sleepers. So much so, I pretty much have to transform into a ninja. I just happen to be wearing black pants and a black shirt right now, so my ninja status is getting more solid. What I mean is that I have to be completely silent for hours at a time. I have to tiptoe around and open/close everything in stealth mode. It's maddening! I've even adopted a silent ninja laugh. It's so high pitched and quiet, only dogs can hear it.
Deer here are everywhere. It's a real problem. Whenever I drive on back roads I'm always paranoid and looking for those little glowing eyes. I have what I call a "deer intuition". I can't really explain it any other way than saying I just have a strong feeling when I think deer are going to appear. Deer have hit me two separate times and it is seriously scary. I hate it. So anyway, I was just going to say that the other night I had a strong feeling I was going to see deer and just as I was entering my neighborhood I saw about 9 or 10 deer running across the road. It was cool.
Music here sucks. The radio stations are filled with redneck music- even the rock stations have old nasty good ol' boy rock too... and since I don't have my Subaru with my iPod connection and speakers, driving in the car isn't nearly as fun anymore. I like driving a manual truck though- fun as!
This has nothing to do with being home, I just feel like venting. In fact it's been on my mind for years!! When I was a kid, well in middle and high school, I used to watch this show called Great Chefs almost every day after school. It's apparently the oldest cooking show on TV - very hard core. These guys were so professional, so fantastic, they usually didn't even speak English, they were usually ugly, and they usually never spoke a word on the entire show. There was a narrator who was from New Orleans and she spoke so eloquently, and the only thing they ever talked about was FOOD.
I 
hate with a passion these new cooking shows with these beautiful men and women actors (not even real chefs) who really only do it for the money because they've built a reputation for a 'sweet personality'. They talk about nonsense, their family, politics, people in the audience, and speak from a script. Who cares about what you have to say! And your recipes suck! You're not real chefs! OH!! And stop taking big bites of your own food on national television. We all know it's probably good, you don't have to fake it with that horrible reaction, like, "Ohhh yeah... yeah that's good." What are you going to do, take a bit and say, "Holy Gouda, Batman! That tastes like pure vomit!"
http://www.greatchefs.com/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1
Sex. Oooh I have your attention now, don't I? In a way that's kind of part of my topic tonight, but don't worry, I don't really think it's inappropriate in its' context.
A topic on the minds of just about any 20 and 30 something Christians nowadays is marriage. Yes, I say Christians specifically because in most cases we have a significantly different moral dilemma than most other 20 and 30 somethings of the world who are unbelievers or who do not hold certain moral values with their sexuality. Our moral dilemma is this: we don't have the freedom to give our bodies away until we're married. Some do anyway because of the lack of self control or slip of conscience. But we all want to, no matter if we've never had a relationship or if we've had 50, we all want to.
Most people who don't have this dilemma and feel like they have sexual freedom usually aren't thinking about marriage- they're thinking about sex. Why get married if you're doing all the things a married couple can do, but without the commitment? What's the point?
For us it's not easy; I mean look at what we're up against! We've got society with movies and music that dangle that temptation within your reach, we've got ourselves working against us via hormones and testosterone, we've got everyone around us enjoying something we can't touch (sometimes including our own friends, whether single or married), and worst of all we've got Satan using all of those factors against us. It's not easy, and anyone that says it's easy I'd be really interested to talk to.
So here I am, 24 1/2, and it's harder and harder every day. Do you know why it's so hard to be 24, single, and Christian? Sure, all those previous reasons are a factor, but do you want to know what I think about more than all of those reasons? My Single Christian Shelf Life, as I call it. I have heard this a thousand times from Christians, and don't you deny it either, you've heard something like this: "Well she's 31 and single, there must be something wrong with her." or "He's kinda old, if he's that old and still single then he must not have been able to snag a good enough girl." or some crap like that.
I gotta be honest with you, it kinda breaks my heart when I hear this from Christians. The single most reason I stress about getting older and not married is because of other Christians. Let's face it, in our society in my experience, once you hit a certain age and you're still single, it seems like there is just something very wrong with you- like you've expired past the acceptable date. From what I've seen, you better start dating and working your way towards marriage from about 22-27. If you're not either of those before 27, well honey you are screwed. I of course don't think that, but it's in all of our minds and we're reminded of it all the time.
That means I must be halfway to being hopeless. What pressure! What unbelievable unfortunate pressure on young Christian men and women.
I'll state for the record that those of you that are in your 30's or late 20's and still single and Christian, man, major props to you, especially if you've made a commitment to sexual purity. I friggin' respect you like crazy. I know I'm only 24 but I won't be surprised if I'll be in your boat soon. I don't want to be in that boat, I mean I'd love to at LEAST start dating someone serious fairly soon, but realistically it could happen. There's no guarantee that I will be married before I'm 40. WOW I wish I didn't just say that. But seriously, we have no guarantee for anything in life.
I don't know if it's mainly western society that's like this or worldwide, but it's definitely characteristic of my southern United States Christian circle. Sometimes I kinda wish I could've grown up somewhere with arranged marriages, but then I could get stuck with a real dud and that would suck. SPEAKING OF WHICH! I also want to go on the record and say this, mostly for my own good: It is better to be single than to be sorry. I see this so often, especially in smaller oppressive towns like Mebane: people settle for someone because they're tired of waiting. People are tired of being strong, tired of being alone and broke and pitiful, so they marry the first person that comes their way that can take care of them.
Ya know, I just think there's a fine line here...between being picky and realistic. Is marriage just a social expectation? A financial agreement with someone you can put up with to grow old together and procreate and be responsible? No, I don't think it should be, and I think a lot of people see it that way. I'm not unrealistic here when I say that I will marry someone when I believe that 1) I don't want to live my life every day with anyone else and 2) I can honor the Lord better with him. Is that unrealistic?
Anyway, I just wanted to vent some of these frustrations that I think about all the time. Thoughts? Can you relate? Do you disagree? Can I get an amen? Just kidding....
Oh by the way! This is my first time sitting in a Starbucks in like 3 weeks! Gosh, I missed it so much. My head was about to go crazy. I am finally getting over the flu after a full week of doing nothing. I really felt like I just wasted a lot of precious time. I'm really ready to get to work and get to Slovakia as soon as possible. I can't blog about the reasons why due to it being public, so ask me if you don't know what I'm talking about. Okay, peace out!
Well it has been one week to the day since "The Worst Week Ever" technically started. I think all I told you last was that my car broke down and I had a bad week, right? Well I'll be more specific I guess. Sorry if I repeat anything I've already said, but I don't have the internet right now to check on what I've already said.
A few days before this on the way to Ohio, my car broke down and I paid $200 to get it towed and fixed. Miska and I went to Cleveland- it kinda sucked. (We had to drive this old Volvo into the city because mine was getting fixed. Except I couldn't open my door from the inside, so every time I wanted to get out, Miska had to get out, walk around, and open the car in a special way with her knee. Very funny every single time it happened. Also, the radio didn't work so we used my iPod and portable speakers instead. This isn't part of the Worst Week Ever, but I thought I'd add those photos)
The next week I decide to go home from Ohio. Wednesday morning my car broke down. I got it towed to an American car dealer (boo). At noon that day they said it was the radiator and wouldn't have it till 3. Then they said they wouldn't have a thermometer till the next morning. So I get a cheap hotel. (The only one within miles). The train across the road which was 50 feet away kept me up all 
night. The next day by noon they say it's not the radiator, but the head gasket, which is a $1,450 expense. Called my mom. She says get a rental, sell the car and come home. The dealer finally agrees to give me an hour ride away to Cleveland to get a rental. I get the car, and on my way home my mom says I should stay in Ohio till I sell the car and don't come home yet. I cry cause that means I can't leave yet. I go back to Miska's house 30 minutes away to stay for 2 more nights. I transfer everything I own (because I
was in the middle of moving back to NC) in the rental. I put my car on Craigslist.com and sell it over $1,000 less than what I think I could have gotten for it. I go home 3 days after I expected- had a good ride home in my rental car- I was okay with the situation, sort of. An hour before I get home in Winston-Salem I get a speeding ticket. I cry again. I get home and go to bed. I get up 'cause I'm starving. I go get a piece of ham and cheese. Both pieces are spoiled rotten. I say "screw it" and eat cookies and milk and go to bed. A few days later I get the flu. So here I am, sick as a dog, no car, broke as a joke, paying for a car I don't have. YAY!!
(To the left is the waiting room I sat in for 2 days)
I say all that really just to vent and explain what happened to everyone's that's been asking, not to complain or request pity. As for my car... man, I loved that car. It was kinda great. Not too truck-like, not too car-like, 4-wheel drive, could carry lotsa' crap in and on top of it, could put down the seats and make a bed... If it wasn't for the head gasket I would have kept that thing for a long time. Stupid thing. So now I have to figure out what to do for a car. I can borrow my step-dad's truck for a little while, but I gotta decide whether to buy a car or try and find someone who has one that I can rent. So if you're out there and have a car to let
someone borrow, holla'!!
I started work yesterday watching kids over at Camp Chestnut Ridge. I'm starting out just watching a 1 year old and 4 year old, though if I want I can volunteer for other jobs like cooking in the kitchen for large groups or environmental education. Yeah, my head hurts now so I'm gonna leave. Peace out.
More pics on Facebook if you're interested!
I'm not going to take the time to tell you about my week right now, because my week sucked and I'm tired of thinking about it at the moment.
However, on the way home from this horrible week, I spent about 4 hours singing (screaming) along to this music by 100 Portraits and Waterdeep who have produced at least 3 cd's entitled Enter The Worship Circle. I hated this music the first time I heard it... however, now, it is some of the only worship music I truly and fully enjoy and can sing for hours on end (obviously). To me, this is real worship, and I am really worshiping when I listen to it and sing it. Anyway, there are some lyrics of their songs that I love so much. The text in bold/italics I especially hold dear to my heart. There's a lot below, but I hope if you don't have time to read it all you can scan it.
Oh, and I definitely recommend checking out these three albums. Out of all three, there are only about 4 songs which I absolutely HATE to this day and will not listen to...but all the other ones are fantastic. Here are a few snipits:
-----
I am sinking to my grave, In the flood of my enemy
All the plans that I made, Have shattered around me
I'm holding out for Your hand to come save me
I'm holding on to the promises You made me
You are the one who delivers the dying
You are the one helping those who are drowning
You rescue the loser, rescue the loser
So come on and rescue me
-----
Sometimes I'm afraid of you, you are just too good
Sometimes I am scared to look at you
You are just too beautiful
I am frightened by the notion that you would hold my hand
You take away the pen writing out my every sin,
and You burn the book of my rebellion
You tear the pages holding everything that I regret
How You forgive me, Jesus
(my favorite line of all 3 albums)
----
Save me, Oh, God
For the waters have come up to my neck
And I am sinking to the bottom where I cannot stand
I am calling to You, can You hear my cry?
Oh my God, You've turned your eyes
And now my heart has come alive
Only You have come to find me
Only You have come to pull me out
Only You have come to save me
Only You have come to wrap your arms around me
Save me, Oh, God
I have wandered and I cannot find your hand
I am looking for your Father, but my eyes fail
I am calling to You, can You hear my cry?
----
Oh, Mercy, fall on me
Like a warm blanket on my cold, cold heart
Clean me with Your blood that turns me white on the inside
I'm on my knees again 'cause I'm breaking Your heart
Put in me what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, oh God, come restore my broken soul
Put in me what I cannot give myself
Put in me a clean heart
I know all my broken places like the back of my hand
That slapped your face again
Wash me with your love and hold me tight like a baby
'Till I have no memory of ever breaking Your heart
But I will not point my finger or grow that wicked skin
That cannot remember what I will not forget
I how I broke you, or how I'm broken
---
One thing I ask of You
This is what I need
That I may hide in Your hands
Feel Your presence fall over me
----
Though I feel alone, I am never alone
----
I could run away
But You would never leave
You would always stay
Right by my side
----
Though the world moves like mad
You alone are faithful
Jesus, you, you will not be changed
---
I was a hungry child
A dried up river
I was a burned out forest
And no one could do anything for me
But you put food in my body
Water in my dry bed
And to my blackened branches you brought the
springtime rain of new life
And nothing is impossible for you
---
Tender mercy, You forgive me
Slow to anger, Quick to love
As high as the mountains try
Your love falls all around me
As wide as the east to west
My sins are taken from me
---
I've been searching and finding, there's nothing but searching
Searching for something to fill
In all of my finding I'm finding there's someone
Who loves me to sit and be still
It's in you. It's in you.
I'm in love with a Savior who saves me to love me
and loves me to stay by His side
And I love to sing all the songs of His goodness
I'll them the rest of my life
I love how You love me
I love your love
--
I had been running away on my own
and then You found me, oh how You love me!
I know You'll never leave, leave me alone
I want to sing you a love song
for You are the love of my life
Rhythm and rhyme I try to explain it
No matter how hard I try I can't contain it
----
Those who put their hope in You will never be turned away
---
Let my heart sing for you
And not remain silent
Let heart sing for you
Turn my weeping into a dance
So dance, dance my soul
There's no reason for you to weep!
----
For my ashes You give me beauty
For my mourning You give me joy
For my tears, Lord, You give me kisses
Oh, yeah, that's how good You are
---
There is one Faith, one Family, one Hope in Christ alone
There is one Lord, one Holy Spirit, one Father over all
Keep on holding on my friends we'll be together
What a useless day. ::sigh:: Here was my itinerary:
7:30: Packed my stuff up in my car from my week in Lakeside, Ohio.
8:15: Left Lakeside and started on my way to go home, a 10 hour drive
8:16: Continue drive with jamming to energetic music
8:45: Car breaks down
8:46: I laugh hysterically for about 5 minutes
9:30: Tow truck comes to pick me up
10:00: Sit in the waiting room at the mechanic
11:00: Mechanic says it'll be $350-$400 to get my car fixed
11:02: I cry deep inside, thinking of the amount of money I've spent on my car in the past month
1:00: Go get something to eat and coffee
3:00: Sit in the waiting room at the mechanic
6:00: I've been told the car needs yet another part but wont be there till tomorrow morning
6:10: Check into hotel room and do nothing the rest of the night
3 positive things happened though.
-2 gorgeous men on separate occasions had nice conversations with me
-I figured out how to download an old software program that is AWESOME
-I'm doing something I never do, which is watch a full game of basketball- but only because Duke and UNC are playing. GO UNC!!
Lately I've really been thinking about what it means to trust God. There are a million ways to trust Him, but what I'm talking about more specifically is with situations like this...situations that SUCK. Honestly, sometimes I don't like it when bad things happen to Christians and they're too flippin' happy about it, like nothing in the world can bother them. It bothers me because I want them to be bothered! I mean, I want them to show some other emotion besides pure bliss. Be normal, will ya?
Anyhoo... if you know me at all, you know that I can get flustered at situations. I can get mad, I will want to cry if I'm mad enough- like today. I was obviously and rightfully ticked off at this situation.
But then I also got to thinking about Who's taking care of me. Not that I'm invincible with God- not in the least- but I can't ignore it when situations play themselves out a certain way. I think sometimes you have to realize that some not-so-good things happen for a reason, and maybe because much worse things could have happened instead.
For example...
I almost left Lakeside Tuesday. On Tuesday evening, massive tornadoes ripped through the area that I would have been driving through and ~50 people died.
I almost left today at 6 when I thought my car was gonna be done. Sleet, snow, ice and flooding started happening when they told me I couldn't have the part till the next day.
I don't know why my car broke down today. I didn't want it to, and I don't see why I had to stay here all day. Maybe I'll never know, but the point is that I believe God saves us from situations and we don't even know it.
I really like thinking about situations like this! Like... I dunno, you're on your way out the door to work, but your dog pooped in your shoe, so you get all mad and clean it up and put the dog out, but by this time you're late for work, and you go down the road and see an accident a mile down the road, and you're mad that you're stuck in traffic because of your stupid dog and this stupid traffic- but what if circumstances worked themselves out (providence) so that if you had left the minute before you noticed the poo, you would have been in that accident. Ya know?
A very relevant situation for me right now is Slovakia. Doggonnit, I wanna be there now! But it's not gonna happen quite yet. I can't get my way this time. I believe that there is a very specific reason why I am still here, and why I won't be there for X amount of time. Maybe I'll meet someone who will give me a new perspective on something very important, maybe someone will die, maybe I just need to grow up and learn to trust God more before I go. I DON'T KNOW! I surely don't believe it means that I shouldn't go, no way! But as flipping hard as it is, I have to be patient and understand that God has it under control-
He's the ultimate event planner! Think about that!
When I had shared with someone much older and wiser than I that I was having this frustration with wanting to be there and not being able to go yet, he said to me so bluntly, "You know, this is all God's anyway- you're on His time- it's all His. Don't worry about it." Ya know when someone says something so simple at the perfect time it can be so profound?? That was one of those times where it just hit me: It's all God's anyway, this life, my purpose, His calling, so stop worrying.
And I encourage you to look at your current inconvenience as a way to allow God to prove to you that He's in control. Your own plans will fall through, when you want to finish school, when you want to travel, when you want a mate, what job you'd rather have- whatever- start looking at those things in a different light. The expression "hindsight is 20/20" is, in my opinion, something I see with God's providence more than anything else. He's got you covered. When something crappy happens, please, be healthy and react even if it's a negative reaction. Scream in your pillow or kick a cat, I don't care, but at the end of the day don't forget that you can't be angry forever because God's got plans for you that's so much bigger than you can imagine.
How many times have you said to yourself something like, "Ohhh so THAT'S why that happened, and if I had done THIS at that time, then I wouldn't be HERE in life"...it's always when we're on the mountaintops that we praise God, but can we be strong enough to praise Him in the valleys too? Should we only trust the event planner when we're actually trying to plan it our own way behind His back? Certainly not.
I encourage you also to keep me in check with this- remind me of this from time to time because I'm of the flesh and I'll forget. Don't be afraid to get in my face.
Alrighty- this is my attempt to wrap up the past week of traveling in a brief summary.
I left Monday morning after a Central Florida Presbytery meeting at my church. Wasn't quite what I expected, but whatever. I made it to Tallahassee, Florida about 4 hours later. Lindsay and I went out to have a ridiculous amount of food and rent a movie. It was a nice night with David and Lindsay, but I had to leave early the next morning. Funny story about waving goodbye, but I won't post it on here for her sake. :D It made me laugh for a few minutes though.
Let me just say that people suck at driving in Georgia, Tennessee and Kentucky. Really. There's an unspoken rule in American driving: the more left you're driving on the highway, the faster you're going. You pass on the left, and drive slow on the right. Well people there, in general and especially stupid truckers, did NOT accept this rule. My blood pressure (OH I learned this word in Slovak.. ummm krv tlak I think?) was rising the more I drove.
Speaking of Slovak, I'm learning words with these sweet flash cards I made. My problem is that I can't take too much at one time with language study- so I'll spend a good 20 minutes or so learning and have to take a break for a while. I noticed that after going through the flash cards like 4 or 5 times on the way up I was able to memorize quite a bit. Sooo YAY!
Oh... and the best road trip food ever? Gas station chili dogs and Mountain Dew! I know, I know, that is SOOO bad for me but how often do I go on road trips by myself?
Six hours later I arrived at MTW headquarters. Atlanta is a huge city and some of the worst traffic in the U.S.! They had 6 lanes of traffic going and still they were backed up. I definitely ran into some of that, by the way. I went to meet my coach there and we went out for Starbucks and talked for a while.
After that, I drove another few hours to Chattanooga. By this point I hadn't run into any close calls with accidents or too much traffic. However, it was dark and rainy by the time I got there and the roads weren't marked well so that was really frustrating. Right before I got off the highway I noticed a huuuge water puddle thing across the entire span of the highway. I held on to the steering wheel extra tight and braced myself. That definitely scared me cause there ware cars all around me and I couldn't see a thing for 4 or 5 seconds. Not cool.
I got to Abby's house in Chatty but her roommate answered the door and said she was out for the evening. Long story short, I ended up coming in anyway and spent a few hours with her roommate whom I had never met. She was awesome! She works at a store similar to the one I worked at for 2 years (camping, backpacking, etc) so we talked gear for a while. She also loves Sigur Ros so we sat there and watched an incredible Sigur Ros documentary/concert dvd.
Eventually Abby got there and Laura came over. We all talked till late. The next day I was planning on leaving after lunch, but the girls talked me into staying another night - and realizing I was only going to be able to spend a few hours with my good friend Laurel in Asheville, I decided to postpone my trip to see her for a better weekend with more time together.
Abby took me around town showing me the sites. She also took me up to Covenant College- but after spending 4 years in flat-as-a-pancake-Florida, I got reeeeally carsick. This never happens. I felt terrible for a good 2 hours or so.
The next morning I got up early and started on my way to Ohio. This took about 10 hours or so. Actually, let me restate that: it took about 9.5 hours to get to NOWHERE, Ohio and my car decided to die a smoky death. ::sigh:: I stopped for instructions because Google maps told me to get off the highway and try my luck with random country roads. Yay, not!
So anyway, after I stopped and started my car again I knew something was wrong with the car. I stopped about a mile later and looked under the hood. I saw that antifreeze liquid was leaking. To be honest with you, I knew it was stupid to keep driving but I did anyway. It's $3.75 a mile to get towed and I was probably 40-45 minutes away from Miska's house. So I stupidly kept driving, hoping I would get just a little closer and spend a lot less money.
I saw an intersection I needed, slowed down, and my car just stalled out in the middle of the road. There was smoke, there was death, there was cold, there was dark. It wasn't fun. After about 50 phonecalls, AAA service came and picked me up. They asked a cop to come sit with me cause it was kinda unsafe. So this copper came by and I spent a few minutes warming up in the back of his car.
This big hairy biker-type tow truck guy came and picked up the car. We sat with eachother for like 45 minutes on the way to Miska's town of Lakeside. First I thought it was going to be silent, and I was happy for that because I was on the verge of tears thinking of all the money I was spending getting my dang car towed (and cause I had just done this one week ago, spending $500 on getting something else fixed). Okay, but no, it wasn't silence, it was a lot of talking.
This hard looking dude starts talking about his personal life like I haven't seen before. Like, "Oh yeah, my mom keeps asking me when I'm gonna settle down but why should I?... She died a few years back... I'm the black sheep of the family... my old lady works at that gas station for $12 an hour..., etc." It was a very interesting night.
We got to Lakeside and I had to empty out the stuff I needed from my car into Miska's friend's car. Believe me when I say it was SO COLD!! It was at least 25*F but soooo windy. So yeah, we got back to their house and Miska's friends were headed right out the door behind me to get a hotel by the airport.
The next evening we started off to Cleveland. Oh, and her friends let us use their old Volvo station wagon. That thing is a tank! First we got a hotel about 15 minutes from downtown - and it's always nice to get hotels. So fun! We went out to get food and coffee- ahhh, Chipotle and Starbucks, a perfect combination!
Saturday morning we got up and went on our way. I had no idea what was in Cleveland, but found a few cool places like this market. We went downtown, spent $10 on parking, walked around freezing our butts off, drove through the ghetto, went to a crappy mall, and left. Honestly, we didn't like Cleveland very much. It's kind of a sad city- really old, decrepit, lots of poverty, and just not that nice. In fact, driving through Cincinnati and Dayton, Ohio, I could say the same about them. Cincy was at least cool cause it had some character but in general I don't like the cities here very much.
Well, no, if I could just walk around and take pictures of the grunge, it would be AWESOME, but I wouldn't want to live there. Maybe I just saw the bad parts..
Then we went down to Amish country about an hour and a half away. Google maps took me off the highway again to some silly back roads though and we got a little lost-ish. However, I stopped at this little restaurant and met an incredibly gorgeous guy that I'm going to run away with someday. So I guess it was worth getting lost.
We finally got to the city and it was pretty cool. Not as cool as I thought, but we came off season so all the touristy stuff wasn't open. Ate some fantastic food, took some pictures, saw some beautiful country. All in all, I think it was worth the annoying drive.
The funniest part of the entire trip was the fact that you can't open the driver's side door from the inside. So whenever I needed to get out, Miska had to get out and walk around and open it for me. Not just open it though, she has to push her knee on the door while pulling up on the handle just perfectly. It is hysterical. I don't think anyone could break into the car even if they wanted to.
Lakeside is cute- it's small and quaint and FREEZING. I have 2 shirts on and I'm still freezing inside the house. I have big fuzzy moccasins on and my toes are almost numb! Heating isn't very popular up here I guess! :D It's all good- better than sweating in Florida. When I go outside though, I have like 5 layers of clothes on...kinda like the kid on A Christmas Story, ya know, Ralphie's little brother? ha! Oh, and it's all snowy outside. Very cool.
I'll be here a few days at least. Judging from the amount of money I have in my bank account right now, I probably will not go to Pennsylvania and New York as planned. I really can't go broke just yet.
Well, I left this morning for 'the road'. My car is so packed down I'm pretty sure I could pop a wheely if I needed to. I'm a little worried about it, but whatever. Nothing extraordinary happened, but give me a day or two- I'm pretty sure something crazy is gonna happen. Just listening to lots of loud music and going through my new Slovak flash cards.
I arrived in Tallahassee at 6 and Lindsay and I went out for Ruby Tuesday burgers that were so good! Then we went to splurge on cinnamon buns and rented a disc of 30 Rock. Yep! Much fun!
Well, pray for my safety... for cereal... I'll try to check in in a few days if I can.
This is going to be a long night.
My roommate moved out today, which means she took every single thing of hers with her...including the bed I was sleeping on, the fan that puts me to sleep, the shower curtain, the toilet paper, and other semi-crucial things. (I did buy TP, just so you know). Oh, and since I'm sleeping on the floor tonight in an empty room, my head pressed up against the floor as I sleep, I can clearly hear the horrible guitar playing of the people underneath me. Did I mention I'm an extraordinarily light sleeper?
Well, the two things I wanted to talk about tonight aren't really that profound or anything- just something I've been thinking about. There are two comments that people keep saying to me that I honestly don't know how to reply to.
1) "If it's God's will that you'll go to Slovakia, then I really hope you get your support." I feel like people are afraid to just say "I hope you get your support" because if it's not God's will then they'll be in trouble with the Big Guy. I don't know how to respond to the 'God's will' either--mainly because a) who really knows God's will till the actions have been seen, and b) I don't have a doubt in my mind that this isn't His will. The only thing in my life I can say that about.
If you really knew the story over the past 9 months, what God's been doing in me, how He's changed me, the surety He's put in my heart about this.. you would understand why it's hard for me to respond to that possibility. Sure, it really might not be God's will- for me to say beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is would be silly, I'm just little ol' Ande and I dunno God's thoughts.
2) "Aren't you excited to leave?!" Well... I guess I am a little excited to follow God's call, but am I excited to leave my very best friends for a very long time? Am I excited to leave a decent job and nice apartment and familiarity? To pack all my crap up in my car and sleep on the floor of an empty room, eating tuna out of a can and coke from the only glass I have left (which is a wine glass) and take a shower without a curtain? Am I excited to be broke as a joke, sending email after email, phone call after phone call trying to raise support from people who aren't interested?
Well... no. I'm not.
Those things aren't fun. I'm obviously gonna do it... and I really do believe God's behind me on this.. but how do I answer the question of whether I'm excited about it??
That's all I had to say about that. I don't know the answers to those questions. My friend Alyssa and I say "I don't EVEN know" when we're up against something that we have no idea how to answer--or the answer is too overwhelming to pick apart. This is one of those things where I just sit back with a glazed look and say, "I don't even know...". I'm pretty sure it'll eventually go away, especially when I get back to NC- but there's gonna be about 2 weeks or so coming up where I'm gonna say that just about every day. The surreal life is upon me!
Random thought: On the way home I was listening to Modest Mouse and there's this song where he goes, "I said what I said, man, you know what I mean" in the perfect tone and the perfect part of the song. I like it. Well, I'm gonna watch some Family Guy and go to sleep. I gotta speak in front of my church tomorrow :( I hate public speaking.. wish me luck! Oh.. and my friggin' bone spur on my foot hurts like a mother - just had to get that out. Peace n' chicken grease.
Wrote this a while back... Thank God for grace and sanctification!
The pain ive felt for oh so long
the grip upon the Son feels gone-
ive felt a distance that leaves me cold
the promises ive seen have now been sold-
my mind lingers in a world so passive
unconcerned and remaining so evasive-
His house doesnt seem so holy anymore
just an uncomfortable troubling bore-
my once apparent thirst in me
never intrudes or knocks, it flees-
i pray for help and a loving friend
yet i do not feel your hand to mend-
dont move away from me, please hear
your ice cold heart is all that i fear-
i want to be everything You want
yet my thirst is choked by satans taunt-
what i admit i will never be proud
and these things i hate, i hate to be loud
but youre all thats keeping me alive
so i want to feel your breath to strive-
take my struggles and set them free
so i can take your love and live for Thee-
im broken helpless for you Lord
rescue me from my sinful world.
The story I'm about to tell has probably been told by hundreds of pastors, youth pastors and motivational speakers all over the world. If you've heard it before, I apologize, but I do have a point to all of it.
In 1859, The Great Charles Blondin wanted to prove to the world that he could walk across Niagara Falls (3 1/2 football fields) on a tightrope. He succeeded multiple times, doing something pretty theatrical every time he crossed. One day as he was going to try it again he decided to push a wheelbarrow across the rope. He asked the crowd if they thought he could do it. They cheered, "YES, you can do it!" So there he was, a wheelbarrow in hand about to take his first step out on the rope, while the huge crowed cheered and roared in the background. He screamed, "DO YOU THINK I CAN DO IT?!" The crowed cheered even louder! He interrupted the cheering and yelled, "IF YOU REALLY THINK I CAN DO IT, IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN ME, COME SIT IN THE WHEELBARROW!" The crowd went silent. No one got in the wheelbarrow. (Eventually his manager did it successfully though...)
I've heard this story before and even though it was cool, I never really thought twice about it. Last night the speaker at the concert told it but in a Gospel message, a little different than how it affected me. Immediately when I heard the analogy, the imagery really hit home. I was part of that crowd on the sidelines who saw somebody do something impossible over and over again. I was saying, "Yeah God, awesome, you did another miracle, sweet, oh look you did something else amazing, cool, hey you completely healed someone of a terminal disease, rad." Why have I not believed that He could really do something great with my own heart? Up until about 6 months ago, I was losing hope that God would ever be alive in me. I was waiting for the day that I could really really be genuine about my faith. Not to say I necessarily doubted my salvation, but I waited for God to be really relevant and alive in my life.
Six months ago, God asked me to step in the wheelbarrow. He said, "Do you believe me or not? Do you really think I can do this?" My supposed trust turned into doubt. My doubt turned into faith. My faith turned into transformation. Just like the man on the tightrope, he's asked me to do something that may not seem logical whatsoever to the outside.
Why would anyone give up a comfortable life with a good job and fantastic friends to sell most of what they have, move back home with their parents, live on meager wages, and trusting that God will just simply provide?! Why would I do this? Because I am trusting that whatever happens, whatever God has called me to do, is what He wants and it what I'm supposed to do. Hebrews 3:7 - "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts..."
Guys, I'm not saying any of this to sound holier-than-thou, trust me. This kind of thing doesn't just happen to me, and if you've known me for any length of time, you know that I've never really felt called by God to do anything before. It was always what I wanted to do. Well what I've wanted to do is just sit on the sidelines and cheer for a God I never really trusted would do something that great in my own life. And what I've been called to do now is sit tight in a wheelbarrow while God walks over the tightrope over a waterfall.
With all this said I would be foolish to think that the next few months and after I get to Slovakia will be a piece of cake. Trust me, this is just the beginning of my journey of trials- it's just the beginning of finding my identity through God in what He's called me to do.
The reason I know this is that just because God calls you to do something doesn't mean it's going to be an easy life. We have an undeniable hope with Christ but we are called to suffer as well. The enemy is at work and his army is so strong. Here are two examples in my life right now, and I covet your prayers about what struggles I'm dealing with.
Struggle #1: I wanted a comfortable life. I never wanted to be a career missionary. I wanted to be nice and wealthy and live in a sweet house with expensive furniture and be successful. I never really cared much about money and never thought I would financially succeed until a few years ago when I actually started making some. I got caught up in consumerism and all the things and gadgets I wanted. Even though God is changing my heart and in a way bringing me back to my roots of thought, I still struggle with this. I know I still struggle because all I have to do is visit a placed called The Interior Decor Center. I went there about a year ago when I was at the peak of my desire to have a lot of nice things and be wealthy. I went back again yesterday and I tell you, this place makes me want to be rich- it has the most fabulous furniture and art around and I absolutely love just staring and all the things I would want in my own home.
The problem is, I feel like there's no way I can have nice things or a nice house if I'm a missionary. I feel like I have to choose between living in the gutter or living in a mansion. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it just seems like I'm at the crossroads of two completely different kinds of life right now. One way is missions, one way is comfort. One way is being poor, one way is being rich. I have the choice to decide which way I go. Some days I want to stick to my heart and do missions, while other days I want to stick to my flesh and "be successful" in my career. I struggle with this and the enemy will try to drag me away from the life God may have called me to live by luring me with nice things.
Struggle #2: This one is a bit more challenging. I really am gonna need your help here, to be honest. Even though I've never felt more called to do something before, and even though I am 100% sure this is what God wants me to do, the enemy is at hand. He strikes those hardest who are trying to advance the kingdom of our Father. During my worst times the enemy whispers (has whispered, is whispering, will continue to whisper) "You don't have to do this... just quit now, you're never going to get all that money... no one's forcing you to go... just stop... this isn't what God wants, you must have heard wrong!"
For any of you reading this that are my friends, I have a favor to ask you. I am human, and I am weak. I am sensitive and vulnerable, I can't deny this. Satan is strong and determined. Certain influences back home in NC aren't good. At times, I'm going to feel like I shouldn't be doing this, that I should just stop trying. People are going to try and tell me that it's not God's will for me to go, and I'm going to be discouraged by that. I'm going to feel stuck, I'm going to feel like all that I'm doing is futile. I am going to be terribly lonely.
My favor to ask is that you please please pray for me. God is on my side and that is what I need... but I would be lying if I said I can do this alone. I'm going to need encouragement. I need to know you're praying for God's work and the advancement of His kingdom. Though I'm not near you, I don't want to feel like I'm doing this all alone. Please please pray.... and let me know how I can pray for YOU. I want it to be mutual encouragement!
"See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first." Hebrews 3:12-14 If I remember correctly, this was my father's favorite verse. It is so perfect.
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