Sex. Oooh I have your attention now, don't I? In a way that's kind of part of my topic tonight, but don't worry, I don't really think it's inappropriate in its' context.
A topic on the minds of just about any 20 and 30 something Christians nowadays is marriage. Yes, I say Christians specifically because in most cases we have a significantly different moral dilemma than most other 20 and 30 somethings of the world who are unbelievers or who do not hold certain moral values with their sexuality. Our moral dilemma is this: we don't have the freedom to give our bodies away until we're married. Some do anyway because of the lack of self control or slip of conscience. But we all want to, no matter if we've never had a relationship or if we've had 50, we all want to.
Most people who don't have this dilemma and feel like they have sexual freedom usually aren't thinking about marriage- they're thinking about sex. Why get married if you're doing all the things a married couple can do, but without the commitment? What's the point?
For us it's not easy; I mean look at what we're up against! We've got society with movies and music that dangle that temptation within your reach, we've got ourselves working against us via hormones and testosterone, we've got everyone around us enjoying something we can't touch (sometimes including our own friends, whether single or married), and worst of all we've got Satan using all of those factors against us. It's not easy, and anyone that says it's easy I'd be really interested to talk to.
So here I am, 24 1/2, and it's harder and harder every day. Do you know why it's so hard to be 24, single, and Christian? Sure, all those previous reasons are a factor, but do you want to know what I think about more than all of those reasons? My Single Christian Shelf Life, as I call it. I have heard this a thousand times from Christians, and don't you deny it either, you've heard something like this: "Well she's 31 and single, there must be something wrong with her." or "He's kinda old, if he's that old and still single then he must not have been able to snag a good enough girl." or some crap like that.
I gotta be honest with you, it kinda breaks my heart when I hear this from Christians. The single most reason I stress about getting older and not married is because of other Christians. Let's face it, in our society in my experience, once you hit a certain age and you're still single, it seems like there is just something very wrong with you- like you've expired past the acceptable date. From what I've seen, you better start dating and working your way towards marriage from about 22-27. If you're not either of those before 27, well honey you are screwed. I of course don't think that, but it's in all of our minds and we're reminded of it all the time.
That means I must be halfway to being hopeless. What pressure! What unbelievable unfortunate pressure on young Christian men and women.
I'll state for the record that those of you that are in your 30's or late 20's and still single and Christian, man, major props to you, especially if you've made a commitment to sexual purity. I friggin' respect you like crazy. I know I'm only 24 but I won't be surprised if I'll be in your boat soon. I don't want to be in that boat, I mean I'd love to at LEAST start dating someone serious fairly soon, but realistically it could happen. There's no guarantee that I will be married before I'm 40. WOW I wish I didn't just say that. But seriously, we have no guarantee for anything in life.
I don't know if it's mainly western society that's like this or worldwide, but it's definitely characteristic of my southern United States Christian circle. Sometimes I kinda wish I could've grown up somewhere with arranged marriages, but then I could get stuck with a real dud and that would suck. SPEAKING OF WHICH! I also want to go on the record and say this, mostly for my own good: It is better to be single than to be sorry. I see this so often, especially in smaller oppressive towns like Mebane: people settle for someone because they're tired of waiting. People are tired of being strong, tired of being alone and broke and pitiful, so they marry the first person that comes their way that can take care of them.
Ya know, I just think there's a fine line here...between being picky and realistic. Is marriage just a social expectation? A financial agreement with someone you can put up with to grow old together and procreate and be responsible? No, I don't think it should be, and I think a lot of people see it that way. I'm not unrealistic here when I say that I will marry someone when I believe that 1) I don't want to live my life every day with anyone else and 2) I can honor the Lord better with him. Is that unrealistic?
Anyway, I just wanted to vent some of these frustrations that I think about all the time. Thoughts? Can you relate? Do you disagree? Can I get an amen? Just kidding....
Oh by the way! This is my first time sitting in a Starbucks in like 3 weeks! Gosh, I missed it so much. My head was about to go crazy. I am finally getting over the flu after a full week of doing nothing. I really felt like I just wasted a lot of precious time. I'm really ready to get to work and get to Slovakia as soon as possible. I can't blog about the reasons why due to it being public, so ask me if you don't know what I'm talking about. Okay, peace out!
Well it has been one week to the day since "The Worst Week Ever" technically started. I think all I told you last was that my car broke down and I had a bad week, right? Well I'll be more specific I guess. Sorry if I repeat anything I've already said, but I don't have the internet right now to check on what I've already said.
A few days before this on the way to Ohio, my car broke down and I paid $200 to get it towed and fixed. Miska and I went to Cleveland- it kinda sucked. (We had to drive this old Volvo into the city because mine was getting fixed. Except I couldn't open my door from the inside, so every time I wanted to get out, Miska had to get out, walk around, and open the car in a special way with her knee. Very funny every single time it happened. Also, the radio didn't work so we used my iPod and portable speakers instead. This isn't part of the Worst Week Ever, but I thought I'd add those photos)
The next week I decide to go home from Ohio. Wednesday morning my car broke down. I got it towed to an American car dealer (boo). At noon that day they said it was the radiator and wouldn't have it till 3. Then they said they wouldn't have a thermometer till the next morning. So I get a cheap hotel. (The only one within miles). The train across the road which was 50 feet away kept me up all 
night. The next day by noon they say it's not the radiator, but the head gasket, which is a $1,450 expense. Called my mom. She says get a rental, sell the car and come home. The dealer finally agrees to give me an hour ride away to Cleveland to get a rental. I get the car, and on my way home my mom says I should stay in Ohio till I sell the car and don't come home yet. I cry cause that means I can't leave yet. I go back to Miska's house 30 minutes away to stay for 2 more nights. I transfer everything I own (because I
was in the middle of moving back to NC) in the rental. I put my car on Craigslist.com and sell it over $1,000 less than what I think I could have gotten for it. I go home 3 days after I expected- had a good ride home in my rental car- I was okay with the situation, sort of. An hour before I get home in Winston-Salem I get a speeding ticket. I cry again. I get home and go to bed. I get up 'cause I'm starving. I go get a piece of ham and cheese. Both pieces are spoiled rotten. I say "screw it" and eat cookies and milk and go to bed. A few days later I get the flu. So here I am, sick as a dog, no car, broke as a joke, paying for a car I don't have. YAY!!
(To the left is the waiting room I sat in for 2 days)
I say all that really just to vent and explain what happened to everyone's that's been asking, not to complain or request pity. As for my car... man, I loved that car. It was kinda great. Not too truck-like, not too car-like, 4-wheel drive, could carry lotsa' crap in and on top of it, could put down the seats and make a bed... If it wasn't for the head gasket I would have kept that thing for a long time. Stupid thing. So now I have to figure out what to do for a car. I can borrow my step-dad's truck for a little while, but I gotta decide whether to buy a car or try and find someone who has one that I can rent. So if you're out there and have a car to let
someone borrow, holla'!!
I started work yesterday watching kids over at Camp Chestnut Ridge. I'm starting out just watching a 1 year old and 4 year old, though if I want I can volunteer for other jobs like cooking in the kitchen for large groups or environmental education. Yeah, my head hurts now so I'm gonna leave. Peace out.
More pics on Facebook if you're interested!
I'm not going to take the time to tell you about my week right now, because my week sucked and I'm tired of thinking about it at the moment.
However, on the way home from this horrible week, I spent about 4 hours singing (screaming) along to this music by 100 Portraits and Waterdeep who have produced at least 3 cd's entitled Enter The Worship Circle. I hated this music the first time I heard it... however, now, it is some of the only worship music I truly and fully enjoy and can sing for hours on end (obviously). To me, this is real worship, and I am really worshiping when I listen to it and sing it. Anyway, there are some lyrics of their songs that I love so much. The text in bold/italics I especially hold dear to my heart. There's a lot below, but I hope if you don't have time to read it all you can scan it.
Oh, and I definitely recommend checking out these three albums. Out of all three, there are only about 4 songs which I absolutely HATE to this day and will not listen to...but all the other ones are fantastic. Here are a few snipits:
-----
I am sinking to my grave, In the flood of my enemy
All the plans that I made, Have shattered around me
I'm holding out for Your hand to come save me
I'm holding on to the promises You made me
You are the one who delivers the dying
You are the one helping those who are drowning
You rescue the loser, rescue the loser
So come on and rescue me
-----
Sometimes I'm afraid of you, you are just too good
Sometimes I am scared to look at you
You are just too beautiful
I am frightened by the notion that you would hold my hand
You take away the pen writing out my every sin,
and You burn the book of my rebellion
You tear the pages holding everything that I regret
How You forgive me, Jesus
(my favorite line of all 3 albums)
----
Save me, Oh, God
For the waters have come up to my neck
And I am sinking to the bottom where I cannot stand
I am calling to You, can You hear my cry?
Oh my God, You've turned your eyes
And now my heart has come alive
Only You have come to find me
Only You have come to pull me out
Only You have come to save me
Only You have come to wrap your arms around me
Save me, Oh, God
I have wandered and I cannot find your hand
I am looking for your Father, but my eyes fail
I am calling to You, can You hear my cry?
----
Oh, Mercy, fall on me
Like a warm blanket on my cold, cold heart
Clean me with Your blood that turns me white on the inside
I'm on my knees again 'cause I'm breaking Your heart
Put in me what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, oh God, come restore my broken soul
Put in me what I cannot give myself
Put in me a clean heart
I know all my broken places like the back of my hand
That slapped your face again
Wash me with your love and hold me tight like a baby
'Till I have no memory of ever breaking Your heart
But I will not point my finger or grow that wicked skin
That cannot remember what I will not forget
I how I broke you, or how I'm broken
---
One thing I ask of You
This is what I need
That I may hide in Your hands
Feel Your presence fall over me
----
Though I feel alone, I am never alone
----
I could run away
But You would never leave
You would always stay
Right by my side
----
Though the world moves like mad
You alone are faithful
Jesus, you, you will not be changed
---
I was a hungry child
A dried up river
I was a burned out forest
And no one could do anything for me
But you put food in my body
Water in my dry bed
And to my blackened branches you brought the
springtime rain of new life
And nothing is impossible for you
---
Tender mercy, You forgive me
Slow to anger, Quick to love
As high as the mountains try
Your love falls all around me
As wide as the east to west
My sins are taken from me
---
I've been searching and finding, there's nothing but searching
Searching for something to fill
In all of my finding I'm finding there's someone
Who loves me to sit and be still
It's in you. It's in you.
I'm in love with a Savior who saves me to love me
and loves me to stay by His side
And I love to sing all the songs of His goodness
I'll them the rest of my life
I love how You love me
I love your love
--
I had been running away on my own
and then You found me, oh how You love me!
I know You'll never leave, leave me alone
I want to sing you a love song
for You are the love of my life
Rhythm and rhyme I try to explain it
No matter how hard I try I can't contain it
----
Those who put their hope in You will never be turned away
---
Let my heart sing for you
And not remain silent
Let heart sing for you
Turn my weeping into a dance
So dance, dance my soul
There's no reason for you to weep!
----
For my ashes You give me beauty
For my mourning You give me joy
For my tears, Lord, You give me kisses
Oh, yeah, that's how good You are
---
There is one Faith, one Family, one Hope in Christ alone
There is one Lord, one Holy Spirit, one Father over all
Keep on holding on my friends we'll be together
What a useless day. ::sigh:: Here was my itinerary:
7:30: Packed my stuff up in my car from my week in Lakeside, Ohio.
8:15: Left Lakeside and started on my way to go home, a 10 hour drive
8:16: Continue drive with jamming to energetic music
8:45: Car breaks down
8:46: I laugh hysterically for about 5 minutes
9:30: Tow truck comes to pick me up
10:00: Sit in the waiting room at the mechanic
11:00: Mechanic says it'll be $350-$400 to get my car fixed
11:02: I cry deep inside, thinking of the amount of money I've spent on my car in the past month
1:00: Go get something to eat and coffee
3:00: Sit in the waiting room at the mechanic
6:00: I've been told the car needs yet another part but wont be there till tomorrow morning
6:10: Check into hotel room and do nothing the rest of the night
3 positive things happened though.
-2 gorgeous men on separate occasions had nice conversations with me
-I figured out how to download an old software program that is AWESOME
-I'm doing something I never do, which is watch a full game of basketball- but only because Duke and UNC are playing. GO UNC!!
Lately I've really been thinking about what it means to trust God. There are a million ways to trust Him, but what I'm talking about more specifically is with situations like this...situations that SUCK. Honestly, sometimes I don't like it when bad things happen to Christians and they're too flippin' happy about it, like nothing in the world can bother them. It bothers me because I want them to be bothered! I mean, I want them to show some other emotion besides pure bliss. Be normal, will ya?
Anyhoo... if you know me at all, you know that I can get flustered at situations. I can get mad, I will want to cry if I'm mad enough- like today. I was obviously and rightfully ticked off at this situation.
But then I also got to thinking about Who's taking care of me. Not that I'm invincible with God- not in the least- but I can't ignore it when situations play themselves out a certain way. I think sometimes you have to realize that some not-so-good things happen for a reason, and maybe because much worse things could have happened instead.
For example...
I almost left Lakeside Tuesday. On Tuesday evening, massive tornadoes ripped through the area that I would have been driving through and ~50 people died.
I almost left today at 6 when I thought my car was gonna be done. Sleet, snow, ice and flooding started happening when they told me I couldn't have the part till the next day.
I don't know why my car broke down today. I didn't want it to, and I don't see why I had to stay here all day. Maybe I'll never know, but the point is that I believe God saves us from situations and we don't even know it.
I really like thinking about situations like this! Like... I dunno, you're on your way out the door to work, but your dog pooped in your shoe, so you get all mad and clean it up and put the dog out, but by this time you're late for work, and you go down the road and see an accident a mile down the road, and you're mad that you're stuck in traffic because of your stupid dog and this stupid traffic- but what if circumstances worked themselves out (providence) so that if you had left the minute before you noticed the poo, you would have been in that accident. Ya know?
A very relevant situation for me right now is Slovakia. Doggonnit, I wanna be there now! But it's not gonna happen quite yet. I can't get my way this time. I believe that there is a very specific reason why I am still here, and why I won't be there for X amount of time. Maybe I'll meet someone who will give me a new perspective on something very important, maybe someone will die, maybe I just need to grow up and learn to trust God more before I go. I DON'T KNOW! I surely don't believe it means that I shouldn't go, no way! But as flipping hard as it is, I have to be patient and understand that God has it under control-
He's the ultimate event planner! Think about that!
When I had shared with someone much older and wiser than I that I was having this frustration with wanting to be there and not being able to go yet, he said to me so bluntly, "You know, this is all God's anyway- you're on His time- it's all His. Don't worry about it." Ya know when someone says something so simple at the perfect time it can be so profound?? That was one of those times where it just hit me: It's all God's anyway, this life, my purpose, His calling, so stop worrying.
And I encourage you to look at your current inconvenience as a way to allow God to prove to you that He's in control. Your own plans will fall through, when you want to finish school, when you want to travel, when you want a mate, what job you'd rather have- whatever- start looking at those things in a different light. The expression "hindsight is 20/20" is, in my opinion, something I see with God's providence more than anything else. He's got you covered. When something crappy happens, please, be healthy and react even if it's a negative reaction. Scream in your pillow or kick a cat, I don't care, but at the end of the day don't forget that you can't be angry forever because God's got plans for you that's so much bigger than you can imagine.
How many times have you said to yourself something like, "Ohhh so THAT'S why that happened, and if I had done THIS at that time, then I wouldn't be HERE in life"...it's always when we're on the mountaintops that we praise God, but can we be strong enough to praise Him in the valleys too? Should we only trust the event planner when we're actually trying to plan it our own way behind His back? Certainly not.
I encourage you also to keep me in check with this- remind me of this from time to time because I'm of the flesh and I'll forget. Don't be afraid to get in my face.
Alrighty- this is my attempt to wrap up the past week of traveling in a brief summary.
I left Monday morning after a Central Florida Presbytery meeting at my church. Wasn't quite what I expected, but whatever. I made it to Tallahassee, Florida about 4 hours later. Lindsay and I went out to have a ridiculous amount of food and rent a movie. It was a nice night with David and Lindsay, but I had to leave early the next morning. Funny story about waving goodbye, but I won't post it on here for her sake. :D It made me laugh for a few minutes though.
Let me just say that people suck at driving in Georgia, Tennessee and Kentucky. Really. There's an unspoken rule in American driving: the more left you're driving on the highway, the faster you're going. You pass on the left, and drive slow on the right. Well people there, in general and especially stupid truckers, did NOT accept this rule. My blood pressure (OH I learned this word in Slovak.. ummm krv tlak I think?) was rising the more I drove.
Speaking of Slovak, I'm learning words with these sweet flash cards I made. My problem is that I can't take too much at one time with language study- so I'll spend a good 20 minutes or so learning and have to take a break for a while. I noticed that after going through the flash cards like 4 or 5 times on the way up I was able to memorize quite a bit. Sooo YAY!
Oh... and the best road trip food ever? Gas station chili dogs and Mountain Dew! I know, I know, that is SOOO bad for me but how often do I go on road trips by myself?
Six hours later I arrived at MTW headquarters. Atlanta is a huge city and some of the worst traffic in the U.S.! They had 6 lanes of traffic going and still they were backed up. I definitely ran into some of that, by the way. I went to meet my coach there and we went out for Starbucks and talked for a while.
After that, I drove another few hours to Chattanooga. By this point I hadn't run into any close calls with accidents or too much traffic. However, it was dark and rainy by the time I got there and the roads weren't marked well so that was really frustrating. Right before I got off the highway I noticed a huuuge water puddle thing across the entire span of the highway. I held on to the steering wheel extra tight and braced myself. That definitely scared me cause there ware cars all around me and I couldn't see a thing for 4 or 5 seconds. Not cool.
I got to Abby's house in Chatty but her roommate answered the door and said she was out for the evening. Long story short, I ended up coming in anyway and spent a few hours with her roommate whom I had never met. She was awesome! She works at a store similar to the one I worked at for 2 years (camping, backpacking, etc) so we talked gear for a while. She also loves Sigur Ros so we sat there and watched an incredible Sigur Ros documentary/concert dvd.
Eventually Abby got there and Laura came over. We all talked till late. The next day I was planning on leaving after lunch, but the girls talked me into staying another night - and realizing I was only going to be able to spend a few hours with my good friend Laurel in Asheville, I decided to postpone my trip to see her for a better weekend with more time together.
Abby took me around town showing me the sites. She also took me up to Covenant College- but after spending 4 years in flat-as-a-pancake-Florida, I got reeeeally carsick. This never happens. I felt terrible for a good 2 hours or so.
The next morning I got up early and started on my way to Ohio. This took about 10 hours or so. Actually, let me restate that: it took about 9.5 hours to get to NOWHERE, Ohio and my car decided to die a smoky death. ::sigh:: I stopped for instructions because Google maps told me to get off the highway and try my luck with random country roads. Yay, not!
So anyway, after I stopped and started my car again I knew something was wrong with the car. I stopped about a mile later and looked under the hood. I saw that antifreeze liquid was leaking. To be honest with you, I knew it was stupid to keep driving but I did anyway. It's $3.75 a mile to get towed and I was probably 40-45 minutes away from Miska's house. So I stupidly kept driving, hoping I would get just a little closer and spend a lot less money.
I saw an intersection I needed, slowed down, and my car just stalled out in the middle of the road. There was smoke, there was death, there was cold, there was dark. It wasn't fun. After about 50 phonecalls, AAA service came and picked me up. They asked a cop to come sit with me cause it was kinda unsafe. So this copper came by and I spent a few minutes warming up in the back of his car.
This big hairy biker-type tow truck guy came and picked up the car. We sat with eachother for like 45 minutes on the way to Miska's town of Lakeside. First I thought it was going to be silent, and I was happy for that because I was on the verge of tears thinking of all the money I was spending getting my dang car towed (and cause I had just done this one week ago, spending $500 on getting something else fixed). Okay, but no, it wasn't silence, it was a lot of talking.
This hard looking dude starts talking about his personal life like I haven't seen before. Like, "Oh yeah, my mom keeps asking me when I'm gonna settle down but why should I?... She died a few years back... I'm the black sheep of the family... my old lady works at that gas station for $12 an hour..., etc." It was a very interesting night.
We got to Lakeside and I had to empty out the stuff I needed from my car into Miska's friend's car. Believe me when I say it was SO COLD!! It was at least 25*F but soooo windy. So yeah, we got back to their house and Miska's friends were headed right out the door behind me to get a hotel by the airport.
The next evening we started off to Cleveland. Oh, and her friends let us use their old Volvo station wagon. That thing is a tank! First we got a hotel about 15 minutes from downtown - and it's always nice to get hotels. So fun! We went out to get food and coffee- ahhh, Chipotle and Starbucks, a perfect combination!
Saturday morning we got up and went on our way. I had no idea what was in Cleveland, but found a few cool places like this market. We went downtown, spent $10 on parking, walked around freezing our butts off, drove through the ghetto, went to a crappy mall, and left. Honestly, we didn't like Cleveland very much. It's kind of a sad city- really old, decrepit, lots of poverty, and just not that nice. In fact, driving through Cincinnati and Dayton, Ohio, I could say the same about them. Cincy was at least cool cause it had some character but in general I don't like the cities here very much.
Well, no, if I could just walk around and take pictures of the grunge, it would be AWESOME, but I wouldn't want to live there. Maybe I just saw the bad parts..
Then we went down to Amish country about an hour and a half away. Google maps took me off the highway again to some silly back roads though and we got a little lost-ish. However, I stopped at this little restaurant and met an incredibly gorgeous guy that I'm going to run away with someday. So I guess it was worth getting lost.
We finally got to the city and it was pretty cool. Not as cool as I thought, but we came off season so all the touristy stuff wasn't open. Ate some fantastic food, took some pictures, saw some beautiful country. All in all, I think it was worth the annoying drive.
The funniest part of the entire trip was the fact that you can't open the driver's side door from the inside. So whenever I needed to get out, Miska had to get out and walk around and open it for me. Not just open it though, she has to push her knee on the door while pulling up on the handle just perfectly. It is hysterical. I don't think anyone could break into the car even if they wanted to.
Lakeside is cute- it's small and quaint and FREEZING. I have 2 shirts on and I'm still freezing inside the house. I have big fuzzy moccasins on and my toes are almost numb! Heating isn't very popular up here I guess! :D It's all good- better than sweating in Florida. When I go outside though, I have like 5 layers of clothes on...kinda like the kid on A Christmas Story, ya know, Ralphie's little brother? ha! Oh, and it's all snowy outside. Very cool.
I'll be here a few days at least. Judging from the amount of money I have in my bank account right now, I probably will not go to Pennsylvania and New York as planned. I really can't go broke just yet.
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