I get a notification on my cell phone that says when I get an e-mail, who it's from, and the subject of the message. Recently I received a message that I got an e-mail from particular person. (Don't worry, if you're reading this it's probably not you). My heart sank for a minute and I became slightly anxious as I thought about this message. I thought about what it might say- the worst case scenario- then the best case scenario. I started to physically feel a bit ill but tried to just shutup and keep working and stop thinking about it.

The e-mail isn't the important thing. What's important is how I reacted. I thought to myself as I was sweeping floor after serving a big meal at work, "Am I being ridiculously paranoid or should I be worried?" I know I can be paranoid about certain things.

I came to a realization about something though. Unless one has a mental illness of some sort, one doesn't become paranoid about something for no reason. In other words, if I'm paranoid about something it's probably because that event has happened in the past, sometimes on many occasions. I don't make up that paranoia because I love feeling sick in the pit of my stomach about an issue... I am cautious about situations because I've been through them before and I would do anything from permitting it to happen again! I'm not crazy!

I'm not going to get into detail here, but I've encountered heartbreak after heartbreak with people who've damaged my confidence with relationships/friendships (many times over e-mail). I'm not playing the victim here, but those circumstances cause people like me to live life frightened. It's a stupid way to go about life, I think...but what do I know?

My point is that if people are paranoid about something it doesn't mean they're crazy, it means something has happened in their life to make them that way....and the human condition causes us to learn from past experiences and hinder that action from happening again (even though it just might happen again whether we like it or not).

Women who've been abused by men are usually cautious/paranoid about most men. People who've gotten awful food poisoning from one Chinese restaurant (JODY, that's you!), may be cautious/paranoid about eating there ever again. People who've been attacked by dogs are cautious/paranoid of dogs. It's a natural tendency to deflect pain, though sometimes that deflection can be unnatural and unhealthy and it's sometimes a challenge to ride that fine line.

Did any of that make any sense? I wouldn't be surprised if you're like "DUH Ande I knew that", but maybe it's one of those things I just realized that I want to be more sensitive about...and something I hope my friends can help me with.