I won't publicly say where I work, but I will say that once in a while I have to cook in their kitchen for groups that come in. This week I'll cook 8 meals for 35 people each, 2 meals a day, which is like 10 hours a day in the kitchen. This week we have a group of Hoopers in town. Hoopers, as in HULA-hoopers. That's right. This group of people has decided to come from all around to hula-hoop together. I think this is one of their websites...http://www.hooping.org/...

Most of them are vegetarians and vegans. If you're cooking for vegans this means you can use NO product from any animal- including milk, butter, eggs, animal fats, and obviously meat itself. This is harder than it sounds to cook for so many people who can't eat these things. So today I put on two meals, which they freaked out over cause they apparently liked it.

However, one guy in particular said... wait, I have to explain him first: tight neon green stretch pants, tight green tshirt, a huge fake fur jacket, an orange headband with huge dreadlocks bursting out of them, face paint, eye makeup, blush and lipstick.

Okay, I'll continue: one guy in particular came up to me at the end of the night (after I'd worked 10 hours on my feet in the kitchen and I'm very tired) and here's our conversation.

Vegan: Do you have any vegan dessert?
Me: There's some fresh fruit right there- other than that, no sorry, just the cherry almond cake which isn't vegan.
Vegan: OH ::utter disappointment::
Me: What can you guys eat for dessert besides fruit anyway? I was racking my brain for a good dish.
Vegan: Well, we can have just about anything you can, just prepared differently.
Me: Oh really? Like what?
Vegan: Well, fruit, fruit salad.....all sorts of things.
Me: ...........oh.
Vegan: Yeah so anyways, something I'm really missing in the food you're making me is protein.
Me: Well I've put some kind of protein out every time, but what would you prefer?
Vegan: Oh like more beans, soy, tofu, that sort of thing.
Me: Sure thing, I'll definitely try to incorporate more beans somehow.
(What I wanted to say: HOWABOUT YOU EAT A FRICKIN' STEAK YOU DIRTY TIGHT-PANTS HIPPIE!....tell ya' where you can put your tofu...)

So that's how the rest of the week will go, I'm sure. And by Thursday when the 450th person asks me if there's fish oil in the flippin' whole wheat tortilla I will probably turn to them and say "WHO GIVES A FLYING RAT'S REAR END, JUST EAT IT AND SHUT THE CRAP UP!!!"

For the record, I could never be a vegan, or maybe even a vegetarian. I like a good steak, and breakfast sausage, and quiche, and pork tenderloin, and bbq ribs! I'm gonna go chew on some sort of animal just to spite my company.