Freedom, Influences and Love- Or Lack Thereof

Can I just say something? Well... every time I think about my first sentence I have to think of another one because it's rude--which is kinda the reason I'm so upset. In an indirect way I just made my point. I grow weary of filtering everything I really want to say to people. I mean this as a general statement, even though I have a handful of specific conflicts I'm dealing with right now. One thing that makes conflicts so irritating is that we're so often not allowed to say what we really want- whether what we want to say is brutal honesty, swearing, or just emotional dialogue. We're always restraining ourselves to be the 'better person' or to act sweet.

I know this is Biblical, don't get me wrong, because the Bible talks about the use of the tongue and how we're supposed to restrain ourselves by holding the tongue. Actually, the Bible talks a lot about conflict resolution because conflicts happens all the time and our emotions are tied to them. But in a way, it doesn't make it that much easier sometimes. I live in a country where freedom of speech is advertised, and in a Christian culture where honesty is promoted....but if that's true, why am I never allowed to say what I really want to say? Does that say something about my sinful heart, is that just part of growing in my faith and disciplining my tongue, or does it say something about a Christian generation that is losing the visible fruits of the spirit that Paul speaks of?

I'm not going to vent nearly the amount that's on my chest, but I want to say something about my frustration I have with how difficult it is sometimes to be a Christian. And this is the part I really want to say, in hopes that I don't offend someone or have them question my morals--but what makes being a Christian so hard sometimes isn't "the world", it's other Christians. People who claim they live a life that's pleasing to God, all the while not living out what Jesus taught- to be gracious, forgiving each other, patient with each other, loving people, being peaceful and meek. Instead I see Christians who are too quick to jump on each other's backs in an unloving way, to gossip about each other, to blame shift and judge, to even verbally abuse each other, and my favorite- judging each other based on cultural expectations and traditions. It's like, I already know the world hates me as it did Jesus first, but sometimes I feel more hatred from Christians, which is the sad part. I think back on the times that someone has hurt me to the core of my heart, and it's sad to say that a lot of those relationships have been with Christians. I don't say any of that to bash Christians or Christianity at all, but I see a rift in what 21st century Christianity looks like compared to Biblical Christianity. Maybe the most hurtful part is that I expect that grace from people who claim to have it from Jesus Christ- where "the world" does not.

Personally, I've grown up with two opposite influences- extremely ultra-conservative and extremely ultra-liberal or pagan. Neither are good, and I still have evidence of both sides of this mindset. Most kids grow up with one or the other for the most part, but I've had equal amounts of both. I can tell you first hand that this causes difficulty for people like me who try to shake off bad influences from their childhood to grow in the faith. It's hard- let me repeat that- IT'S HARD. I know some of you, my friends, grew up in similar circumstances and I empathize with you. People who have grown up around a totally Christian family in a Christian home and school and friends don't understand this. They don't know what it means to be influenced heavily by a pagan family and friends, which explains why most of them don't understand why Christians like me have a hard time with certain sins. I don't even care if people understand it, I'm not asking that- and I'm not asking to not be held accountable for visible sins or to have freedom in my sin- but what I AM asking is that people have a little more understanding and patience with other Christians who are on a different page than you--no matter what that looks like. I don't claim perfection, I claim Christ who forgives me of my shortcomings.

Sorry if this offends you.