It's 3 a.m. and I'm wide awake. What's up with that? This is the 3rd night in a row I couldn't get to sleep. What amazes me is that I'm so tired and beat down during the day but when it's time to sleep I'm awake!
Unfortunately my mind is just going a mile a minute sometimes. I've been having a hard time lately- I guess in the past few weeks. It comes and goes. I just walk around mad all day, with shot nerves and a hasty temper. I dropped a container of black beans (CRAP I just forgot I never cleaned that up) in the walk-in fridge at work today, and in the other hand I had a perfectly round white onion, resembling a baseball, that was just screaming to be thrown and smashed against the wall. But you'd be proud- I just took a breath and kept working on getting the meal on. Come to think of it, I've been wanting to throw a lot of things lately. I guess it's more like feeling like I've been on the verge of tears/a breakdown for long time. I hate that feeling! Gosh! Part of me is so incredibly tired of breathing/dreaming/working on raise support. It's exhausting. I keep thinking, "Okay God, I've learned my lesson, I get it- now can I go?" and maybe that attitude is exactly why I'm not there yet. Who knows. A while back my preacher said something in his sermon that struck me. In a sermon about love (it was a GREAT series, btw), he said, "God just wants us to cry out for Him!". I've been thinking about that off and on since he said it makes me want to just stop and cry out for Him instead of trying to be independent and strong. I have no point to prove with Him, and I don't need to impress Him. Yet, I wonder why it's so hard for us stubborn humans to do this?
Random note: I just found out Bernie Mac died- that really sucks...but on the other hand, it's not fair for me to get too bent out of shape about it when thousands of people die every day around the world.
Anyway, I'm going to to go try and force my eyelids shut now. Peace out dawgs.
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