I don't want to be a downer, but it's one of those facts-of-life kind of things that isn't that happy to read about. It's also another one of those things that mean something to me but bringing it up in conversation is hard cause I don't want pity.

Anyway, it's the 15th anniversary of my dad passing away today. For those of you that don't know, it was brain cancer and I was 9. My brother, sister and mom remember it every year and just try to remember him. I didn't make it out to the graveyard like I usually do, but I'll go tomorrow. Anyway, he was sick for a few years I think before he passed. Eventually Hospice had to take over to come and take care of him. I don't remember as much as I think I should know about him- most of what I know is from what people still talk about today.

He was pretty big in the church, from what I've heard. I know at least once he preached from the pulpit for Sunday school- I said once on here that I have some recordings of his sermon but I'm a little freaked out to listen to it.

Ever have those random moments in time that don't really mean anything, but for some reason you have those visions you can't forget? I have a few of those with my dad, or about that whole season in our lives. I won't go into those details though, but they're there...like looking at the brown bottles of herbs he had to take, wheeling around on his wheelchair, being so angry because he made me help him balance his checkbook with him and he finally let me leave, brushing our teeth, fishing, hearing him fall in the shower, and his bed we had to set up downstairs by the piano cause he couldn't climb the stairs. Not saying that to be intentionally sad, but I guess if I write down anything I remember I won't forget, eh?

Almost everything else I know about him was from videos and pictures. Some of his old pictures remind me of John Lennon kinda. Maybe that's why I like him! I don't have any good ones of him online, but I'll get one.

I don't mind talking about it 'cause it's just a fact of life. I'm sure if I was older when this had happened I wouldn't be so cool with it, but I was young enough for it to be faint memories. Obviously the lack of a father figure growing up and still today is incredibly hard to cope with sometimes but that's a whole other bag o' worms I don't need to open tonight.

I just took a few hours to go hunting in our family albums for photos of him. There's this one picture I'm dying to find but after all those hours I couldn't find it. Funny, at the beginning of writing this I was pretty disconnected with what I was writing and it wasn't affecting me, but after seeing all these photos I need to stop and sleep -- because emotions and late nights don't mix well.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term RUE, as I was, it is a synonym for sorrow that is mixed with regret. I don't want to get into that now. Thinking about him gets harder for me the older I get and this year was hard. OKAY! TIME TO GO! No more thinking.

Fare thee well. (I'm putting the pictures I found on Facebook if you're interested)